THE PROBLEM IS THE KEY THAT WILL OPEN ALL DOORS

I am 18, and my girlfriend never texts me first after a fight. Initially, I used to talk to her immediately after a fight, if I was wrong. In her past relationship, she used to always start a chat with her boyfriend after a fight, and then cry. That’s why she has changed. I can’t live like this. Please help. PJ

The evidence before me is peculiar. Aromathese the IVth referred to this as the purple watermelon syndrome. As a young fruit seller, Aromathese once cut up a watermelon to find it was purple from the inside. Nobody knew why this happened, least of all Aromathese. Some pointed to the iodine on his hands, at the time. However, there were no CCTV cameras in 1778 AD, so the purple colour remains a mystery. Your gal pal used to talk to her ex-boyfriend after a fight, then put the phone down and cry. Then one presumes she would have a shower, inclusive of a hair bath, and all would be well. With you however, she wants distance after a fight. Again presumably she still has the cry followed by the soap and shampoo. The behaviour is peculiar, but not dangerous. As long as you make up after fighting, its all good. Forget about the past patterns. That was with him. This is with you. Just make sure you make up. Even better, how about fighting a little less?

My girlfriend wants to breakup because she wants space in the relationship. She told me it’s not working. She is currently going through some problems, which she doesn’t want to tell me. What should I do? DM

The problem, is the key that will open all doors. Okay, not all doors. In fact, not even two doors. But, yes, knowing the problem with you, one door. The door that she is clearly shutting on you. You must behave like Rommel did with Hitler. Rommel invested in more men and ammunition. Hitler pretended he had a bug in his ear, and kept saying ‘Pardon’, but with a thick French accent, for some reason. You must do the same. Except, don’t use French accents, and don’t ask for men and ammunition. She may misunderstand you. Instead, insist on knowing why? You deserve all the reasons. For your self-respect, insist. But prepare yourself for the strong eventuality, that ‘problem’, or not she’s not coming back.

There is a guy who says he loves me a lot. But, I don’t want to be in a relationship with him because I don’t like him. I’ve told this to him, but he is still stalking me. How can I get rid of him without informing my parents? KM

This isn’t a love problem. Okay, it is a love problem, but its a ‘harassment’ problem like the one involving the two actors from Bollywood.

Case being sub judice, I can’t take their names.

But one person’s name rhymes with ‘Thana’, and the other with Ganushree. Talk to some senior relatives, like a cousin or a friend and get them to warn him off. They should tell him to back off in no uncertain terms. P word is the next resort. And please don’t feel scared to tell your parents, if he’s stalking you, and upsets you more than an episode of Big Boss does? Then, parents are always the best line of defence.

I have a happy man I lovingly call ‘my frog’. Froggie is well behaved most days of the week except on weekends when his attention craving increases substantially. How do I tell him, ‘For God sake give me some space’? VG

You have to study the species. I think frogs come under amphibians or small green creatures with no table manners, I forget which. Here’s a thought: Instead of Froggy, rechristen him Leo the Lion. Lions vegetate for 23 hours a day. Try to rename him and bring out those qualities. Qualities like apathy, inertia, slumber immobility low ambition, etc. If he still continues, rechristen him ‘Bugs’, after a bug. Then prepare him for what you will do to Bugs. That should scare him into giving you some space. After all, no body wants to be squashed. Neither you nor a bug.