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Moving forward
Had a breakup recently and finding it difficult to move on or unsure about when to get into the next relationship? Experts make it easy for you
Singer Ariana Grande and comedian/actor Pete Davidson parted ways amicably a few months back, within six months of their engagement. A breakup is always difficult to handle, but not impossible. Ending of a relationship is a loss to a couple and the reactions after a breakup are similar to that of grief. Hence, it is important to know the signs people show after the loss of a relationship. Sonali Tanksale, clinical psychologist, Axis Hospital, says that one may exhibit signs of discomfort or distress after a breakup. She says, “These signs may include persistent sadness, and feeling helpless, fearful, empty, pessimistic, angry, guilty and fatigued, along with changes in sleep and appetite.”
Post a breakup, self-care is critical. One should understand what would make you feel better such as speaking to friends and family and using a support system. Kammna Chibber, mental head department, Fortis Lafemme, says that there can be a lot of questions that come to your mind. She says, “Don’t run away from these questions. Let them come and go. When you feel ready, develop an understanding of what you think went wrong. Learn about what and how you could have done things differently so that things go better the next time.”
TAKE YOUR TIME
It is important to acknowledge that you have experienced a loss and give yourself time to heal. Tanksale says that one must avoid rebounds, introspect and understand what went wrong in your previous relationship. She says, “The most important part is to accept your shortcomings. Don’t rush in the next relationship. Believe that with a little time, patience and support, you will feel better and find love again.” Also, you can’t heal in the same environment that got you sick in the first place. Dr Kanan Khatau Chikhal, clinical psychologist and relationship expert, says that one should go through the stages of loss and heal yourself. He says, “During the process of healing, staying out of touch with your ex improves the rate and speed of recovery.” Dr Nazneen Ladak, psychiatrist, shares that staying in touch with your ex depends on how strong-willed you are. She says, “You can accept him or her as your friend. But in general, it is not a good idea, as your past takes over your present and you always remember the things that you used to do together.”
Staying connected or not with an ex is a personal choice. And, according to Chibber it helps to not have contact with your ex. She says, “You need time to grieve the loss and heal yourself and that would require being attentive to you own thoughts, feelings and needs. In this scenario, being connected to your ex can act as a distraction and not facilitate the process of caring for yourself.”
COMMON FRIENDS AND COLLEAGUES
A breakup is a stressor, and staying around the stress can lead to mood swings and irritability as well. So, if your ex is a colleague or if you have common friends, it can lead to more problems. Dr Jyoti Kapoor, senior psychiatrist, Paras Hospital, says that if it is not possible or practical to move away from the individual, keeping a neutral attitude and indulging in only necessary interaction initially is necessary. She says, “Avoid negative comments, whining and resentful statements when in a group. Stick to neutral topics and don’t go down the memory lane to avoid building expectations of reversal or events. If the relationship involved a lot of negative communication, it’s best to avoid repeating the same pattern of conversations.” Dr Sayantani Mukherjee, consultant, psychiatrist, Columbia Asia Hospital points out that in such cases both partners should cut off contact completely or have a talk about shared spaces and friends to avoid future awkwardness. She says, “Start viewing your ex as just a human being and bring him/ her down the romantic pedestal. Why should you miss out on work/social opportunities just because you don’t know how to conduct yourself in front of your ex? Rather than ignoring him/her, communicate with your ex regarding this. Most likely he/ she is feeling as uncomfortable as you are. That can also forge a new and friendly bond.”
THE NEXT STEP
There is no right time frame or limit on when a person should be in another relationship. Chibber says that there is an opportune time for this. She says, “You should be in your next relationship when you feel you have worked through the grief, learnt about yourself and the situations and when you feel you are ready you can look at being in ano-ther relationship. You should not rush it.” Kapoor says, “Set your prioritie s right. Focus on your career, hobbies, socialisi ng with friends and relatives. It
Anjali Shetty
If the relationship involved a lot of negative communication, it’s best to avoid repeating the same pattern of conversation DR JYOTI KAPOOR, SENIOR PSYCHIATRIST
may take months or more than that, but wait to understand your own needs and expectations before jumping into another relationship to deal with your loneliness.”