What to do when your partner dumps their negativity on you

This behaviour is projection, and you can tackle it by using psychology

If one were to make a list of relationship-wreckers, then projection might make it to the top. Projection occurs when one of the partners tends to project their negative feelings, emotions and desires onto their partner. It’s also classified as a defence mechanism that one partner subconsciously employs to deal with their own negative feelings. For example, a partner who cheats in a relationship often accuses the other of cheating. If this makes you wonder why projection is so common in relationships, then it’s because the nature of projection is so subtle, it’s hard to figure out if your partner is projecting. However, when you do know that it’s happening, here are some suggestions for dealing with it, from psychologists and relationship experts Dr Anil Sethi and Pulkit Sharma. Signs that you are being projected on 1) Projectors have a tendency to ignore any issues and they attribute it to others. 2) They tend to rid themselves of any kind of frustrations/ internal load by dumping on others. 3) They like to be in control. For them, everything is wrong with you, with the world but nothing is wrong with them. 4) They always deny their faults. Since they believe in the narrative that other people are the problem, they’re adept at manipulating the truth. Common projections 1) “You are selfish!” Translation: “I’m selfish and I don’t want to admit it or deal with it.” 2) “You are judgmental.” Translation: “I judge myself and I don’t like it. Hence, I blame you.” How to deal with it Have a polite yet firm conversation with your partner and make them understand that projection is a defence mechanism. By doing this, you can make your partner aware that projecting their guilt and anger onto you is not healthy, as it creates a vicious cycle of a never-ending back and forth between yourself and the partner. Whenever your partner starts projecting, respectfully disengage. Whenever an argument or fight is about to start, you can just end the conversation or back out of the argument by saying that this is about them, not you. Avoid arguing back or criticising them for blaming you. If you do, it’ll only tangle up your efforts to confront the projection. Rather, keep the conversation about them, remove yourself from the conflict, and don’t give them the opportunity to make it about you. Express a bit of empathy and ask the right questions that’d force your partner to introspect.

PHOTO: ISTOCK Is it him or is it her? Each partner needs to know the signs of projection