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Ex-ternal affairs
Are you worried about your partner’s past and is it affecting your present situation? Here’s all you can know about such relationships
When two people date each other, more often than not, it turns out to be their happiest moments. However, often, the sad part about love starts after you decide to part ways. So, with time, you try to move on, leave the past behind and start life afresh; with a new person. But for some, this is also the time when the past comes back to haunt them. We tell you how to deal with these relationship woes.
A HONEST START
When we start dating a new person, many of us want to begin the relationship on trust, thereby revealing most of our past secrets. Dr PD Lakdawala, psychiatrist, Bhatia Hospital, says, “If a person has been in an intense relationship, it is important for the present partner to know the depth of this affair. This will help in building a strong relationship of trust and honesty among partners. However, there may be past casual relationships, which a partner may not feel the need to reveal. But in the best interest of the their significant other, it is always better to keep things transparent.”
BE CAUTIOUS
When you decide to reveal everything about your past relationships to your present partner, it’s important you gauge where your relationship stands or understand if there would be repercussions because of your action. Tanushree Bhargava, clinical psychologist explains, “How much you tell your partner about your past affairs depends on the understanding between the two partners. The decisional factor of telling/not telling them about the past depends on how receptive, open minded and understanding both of them are in the relationship. It’s always better to tell your partner directly about the things from the past.”
AFFECTING YOUR RELATIONSHIP
At times, what you’ve revealed about past relationships to your partner, may affect them mentally. He/she may not even tell you about it. This may make your relationship unstable. Bhargava says, “Many people end up sharing a lot more information about past affairs to the present partner. So, somewhere down the line, these thoughts start cropping up in your partner’s mind. This way people start comparing the present relationship with their partner’s past affairs.”
Take for example the case of Manish Chavan, an event management professional and Divya Bole, a compere (names changed), who married a few years back. The duo had a love marriage, but a couple of months before their big day, Divya ended up telling Manish a little more than what she intended to about a past boyfriend, which majorly affected her husband to be. Relationship expert Riddhish K Maru, who counselled Manish says, “One day, Divya told Manish about her past sex life. She got into extra details. From that day onwards, he started getting ideas in his head. He avoided getting physical with her for different notions that he had in his mind. He wanted to clear his mind but was helpless. This is when he called me and I started counselling him.” The duo is happily married now.
FRIENDSHIP WITH THE EX
Another aspect which is a cause of concern for some people who get affected by a partner’s former flame, is if the partner is still friends with the ex. Bhargava says, “Often, things get more difficult when your partner’s ex turns out to be your partner’s friend, especially if there is secrecy around the friendship or if your partner is still not over the past relationship and he/ she still seems to have feelings for the ex. But if the two partners have redefined their relationship, have set clear boundaries, and your partner is loyal to you, shares everything with you, and you know about the kind of bond they have, it should not be a concern.”