THE NEW GLOSSARY OF LOVE
Every generation has had its terms of endearment. Sugar, babe and honey have endured. Less palatable ones like ‘necking’ have faded out. But what about ‘steady’ and ‘dumped’? Interestingly, they haven’t just been replaced. They’ve been sub-categorised to an astonishing degree.
There are so many new ways to be let go or have your relationship status change, and today’s glossary of love has a term for each one — breadcrumbing followed by ghosting, then zombie-ing. Benching, stashing and catfishing.
“It’s always been important for young people to ‘name’ things,” says author Jerry Pinto. “The fact that most of the new terms are negative only speaks for the fact that the positive emotions generated already have names. We know what we feel when we fall in love, we have the language. It’s the ways in which the right-swipe-leftswipe binary hurts that need naming.”
Many of the new terms seem to seek to address the new ways in which you can uncouple, or fail to.
“People break up, but stay in each other’s friends’ lists or follow common friends on Instagram,” says family counsellor Gouri Dange. “Some of these terms are a coping mechanism for the sense of confusion that this causes.” So which one are you, bencher or benchee; ghoster or ghosted? Here’s the list…
Benching: You go on a couple of dates with someone, you like the person, but they don’t make your heart go ‘pit-a-pat’. So, what do you do? You ‘bench’ them and keep browsing for better options. If nothing turns up, they’re off the bench… at least for a while. Breadcrumbing: This is the act of sending out flirtatious but non-committal text messages in order to lure a sexual partner without expending much effort. It’s also called ‘Hanseland-Gretelling’, after the fairytale with the dark twist. So those light, flirty texts you’ve been getting? You can snap them up if you like, but do be aware that they’re not really going to lead anywhere… Catfishing: ‘Hi, myself Marc Jacobs, engineer staying in United Kingdom. Can we be friends?’ This is clearly a guy who is catfishing. But not all are this obvious. This tactic can be used fairly effectively to lure someone into a relationship using a fictional online persona. The origin of the term? A 2010 documentary on a romance scam.
Cushioning: You like a girl, but she’s with someone else. So you flirt a little, you ping her on WhatsApp, tag her in funny videos — all with an ulterior motive. You are prepping, in case she breaks up with the guy; then you can be the first ‘cushion’ she falls back on.
Draking: This is named for the rapper Drake, known for his sad lyrics (“Guess you lose some and win some / Long as the outcome is income”). You’re bound to know someone like this, some pouty face who is constantly posting online about the fact that they are in a relationship but aren’t happy. They drop hints, pen verse, philosophise about being misunderstood. Stop it, people. It’s whiney and annoying.
Haunting: This is when someone who ghosted you (abruptly vanished in the midst of a relationship, no explanation, no warning) suddenly pops up, but indirectly — an Instagram like here, a LinkedIn profile check there. Why, remains a mystery. Maybe they still have a crush on you (oh God!) or they just don’t want you to forget them (wait, what?!)… Chances are, you’ll never know. Kitten-fishing: Regulars on Tinder will have gone through this at least once. Kitten-fishing is creating a heavily doctored image for yourself online, in terms of actual visuals and personality. This can include uploading a much younger profile picture, or pretending to read Kafka / hate Carrie Bradshaw (depending on what they’re looking for out there).
Love-bombing: No, it’s not sexual. Well, not entirely. This is when a relationship starts out all red hearts and moonlit walks, grand declarations and talk of pastlife connections, until you start to reciprocate in the same tone. Then it goes south, with the person turning moody and controlling, or losing interest altogether. Either way, the ticking time-bomb has gone off and it is time to get out of there.
Mooning: This comes from that halfmoon symbol on the iPhone which indicates that the user has set their incoming call and text notifications to ‘Do not disturb’, temporarily turning off all notifications. As a dating term, it refers to someone who has been shut out completely, either because they were annoying or clingy, or maybe because the other person just found someone more riveting. Whatever the reason, it’s an ouch!
Stashing: This is where the person you’ve been seeing for a while won’t acknowledge your existence to family, friends, colleagues or on social media. It’s also called Jekkyl-and-Hydeing. Maybe he’s benching you. Maybe he’s cushioning someone else. God!!!
Zombie-ing: This can be worse than ghosting and haunting. No, it has nothing to do with the end of the world and the dawn of the half-dead. This is when a person who has successfully ghosted you resurfaces much later, just when you had got over the hurt and annoyance of being ghosted. Do you ghost them in return? Do you get sucked back in for another cycle of hearts and then tears? Be strong, we say.