Did you know that there’s no pun­ish­ment if you kill eti­quette crim­i­nals? I’m go­ing to try

Hindustan Times (Patna) - Live - - Time Out - SONAL KALRA

Yaar, it’s get­ting hot­ter by the day. Yeah, I wish it was my life that I was re­fer­ring to, but it’s the good’ol weather. Don’t know which part of the world are you sit­ting and read­ing this in, but un­less it’s North Pole, you have my sym­pa­thy. And what is more tor­tur­ous than hot weather? Stink­ing peo­ple com­ing too close to you. I’m sure it’s not just me who feels dizzy and claus­tro­pho­bic when some peo­ple come just too close to say some­thing. What is with the an­noy­ing habit that makes some peo­ple for­get that they have a voice, which shall duly con­vey their mes­sage through sound waves, even from a bear­able dis­tance. It’s spe­cially bad when you are stand­ing in a queue at the su­per­mar­ket or some­thing.

The next time I feel some­one breath­ing down my neck, I’ll ask them to share the bill with me. You know, even Chad­dha ji has more man­ners. The only prob­lem is that he mis­cal­cu­lates the dis­tance and stands so far while talk­ing that I’m re­minded of the news bul­letin for deaf and mute that comes on Do­or­dar­shan. Any­way, ab jab an­noy­ing habits ki baat ho hi rahi hai, why not dis­cuss some more? I’m sure you all have your pet peeves but I re­ally want to know, through feed­back on this col­umn, if mine are com­mon to yours. Here are some an­noy­ing-habits-that-de­serve-a-whack aka AHDAW.


Haha…you do it, right? Trust me, it’s worse if your boyfriend or girl­friend does it. Also called the rest­less leg syn­drome, it is a recog­nised med­i­cal dis­or­der and hence we shall be­have sen­si­bly and not go­ing to poke fun at it. But please yaar, give me a string and I want to tie some peo­ples’ feet to the chair. With all due re­spect. Shake it if you can’t help it but not so much that you be­come a hu­man trig­ger for an earth­quake. There’s a guy in my of­fice who moves his legs with so much speed and force dur­ing of­fi­cial meet­ings that peo­ple are ac­tu­ally ready to sac­ri­fice tea and sand­wiches and at­tend it over video con­fer­enc­ing. Now In­di­ans sac­ri­fic­ing free food is not mi­nor, my friend. So you can imag­ine the dis­com­fort that Mr Ready-to-shake-a-leg-any­time brings to those around him. Vaise jokes apart, it is in­deed a med­i­cal con­di­tion and there are sev­eral life­style changes that can help pre­vent it. They in­clude giv­ing up al­co­hol, so I refuse to read about them, but you can find them all over the net.


Wah kya musku­ra­hat aayi hai aapke chehre pe! Pop­ping your fin­ger knuckles one by one to make that ‘tuck’ sound is so sat­is­fy­ing, right? And it’s also such a nice time pass. You can do it in var­i­ous per­mu­ta­tion com­bi­na­tions. Like al­ter­nate fin­gers. Or both index fin­gers to­gether. How does it mat­ter that it is bug­ging the hell out of those look­ing at you play­ing with your limbs with so much pas­sion? But just to en­hance your knowl­edge and take re­venge on be­half of all those who can’t stand it, let me in­form you that even though it doesn’t harm you in any­way, the pop sound comes from your fin­ger knuckles be­cause of the re­lease of gas from the joints. Achha laga nah sun kar? You have more gas em­a­nat­ing from your body that you’d care to ad­mit. Ha.


Mummy ke haath ka khana hai? Too tasty nah? Kisi aur tarah se dikha lo khushi, why do you in­sist of dipping your fin­gers into the food, and lick­ing it, es­pe­cially when you are shar­ing the tif­fin with some­one. I’ve seen this hap­pen in schools, col­leges, of­fices… friends share frood from each oth­ers’ plates. Which is great, by the way. Mu­jhe toh jhoothe va­garah ka bhi koi ve­ham nahi hai, so even that bit is fine and fun. What’s not is when some­one digs into the food, licks the fin­gers and digs in it again. Now that ex­change of bod­ily fluid via ed­i­ble stuff is not ex­actly my favourite. Is there any­one who feels the same way? Please don’t blame me for ques­tion­ing your love and friend­ship. I’m just ques­tion­ing eti­quettes. Pretty, please.


You know, even the world war II tor­ture cham­bers had more com­pas­sion. Se­ri­ously, what? Yes I know that 94% of liv­ing hu­man be­ings fart that it is a nat­u­ral bod­ily func­tion. But, Oh My God. Can you not wait for a few sec­onds or not take a lift when you know your rec­tum is go­ing to ex­plode into a ball of gases that are not par­tic­u­larly … ummm..BREATH­ABLE? Smelly farts are a re­al­ity of life, but if I was in­ter­ested in know­ing what you ate last night, I’d much rather have your mouth tell me, than your pre­cious be­hind. Please look for a pri­vate place or re­stroom to make th­ese an­nounce­ments. And dare you be the nasty one to look grossly at some­one else so that peo­ple think it’s that per­son who just took them to smelly heaven? Your ‘wasn’t me’ trick won’t work here. No it won’t.


This is my favourite. Do you have any idea how much khaz­a­ana do we pre­serve in our nos­trils at any given point. I can’t com­pare it with the GDP, but must be pretty sig­nif­i­cant, go­ing by the in­ten­sity with which some peo­ple dig it out and look at it. Be­fore flick­ing it from their fin­ger­tips in full pub­lic view. I’m sorry you threw up the paran­tha you just ate. I’ll get you a new one but this point needs dis­cus­sion. We’ve buried it – not just the nos­tril trea­sure, but the dis­cus­sion around it – for the long­est time. Now that the fo­cus on free­dom of ex­pres­sion is back in our coun­try, we must dis­cuss nos­tril af­fairs freely and clearly. This can not go on. No, no, no. no. no. Get a min­ing agency to go in­side your nose and do the dig­ging pro­fes­sion­ally, or do it in the con­fine­ment of your bath­room. But not in pub­lic. Hum le ke ra­henge azaadi. Bad man­ners se azaadi!

Sonal Kalra has found some­thing in her nose which can make her a bil­lion­aire. Does some­one know a patent reg­is­tra­tion con­sul­tant? Mail at sonal.kalra@hin­dus­tan­ or face­­al­kalraof­fi­cial. Fol­low on Twit­ter @son­al­kalra

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