SPEAK EASY

Dealing with a noncommunicative partner who refuses to share or divulge details? Experts suggest easy ways of getting them to talk to you without nagging or dominating them

Silence is golden. However, this proverb can be very frustrating and hurtful if a partner chooses to follow it. Often, in some relationships, one partner becomes incommunicado. Experts say such behaviour can come to the fore after a fight, and that it could make the other person guilty and frustrated. Dr Salma Prabhu, clinical psychologist, states, “Patience is a virtue and this is what needs to be opted for when a partner becomes non communicative”.

“The first and the foremost step is to understand why your partner doesn’t communicate. Is this his/her nature? Or has a certain incident made them to go silent? Or do you not understand what they are trying to convey? Once you have answered these questions, it will help you move to the next step,” says Dr Prabhu.

SPACE ISSUES

There can be many other reasons also for a person’s silence. According to experts, anger and pent up emotions are some of the reasons. Dr Prabhu says, “In such cases, first monitor why the person is angry or emotional. Monitor the time of the day or the meal time to see if there is a hunger or time-related trigger. Go an extra mile, order the person’s favourite dish, arrange for his/her special meal. Tell them you respect their silence and that you are ready to talk when they are ready. If a fight has resulted in a silent treatment, the best thing is to wait for the person to cool off. Let them take their time to analyse the situation. If you wait for a reaction or discussion, there are chances that it may lead to another fight.

OPEN CHANNELS OF COMMUNICATION

At times, there may also be days when you don’t get the desired answer to even a ‘How was your day’. Dr Prabhu says that in such cases, one should “tweak” the questions. She says, “Ask ‘What did you do?’ As individuals, we all like to feel important and cared for. So, ensure your partner feels the same. Ask him/her how they spent their day. Ask leading and open-ended questions. Having said this, don’t nag or prod. Be gentle and calm. Also, when they talk or share, make sure you listen and don’t interrupt. We have technology in our lives, so make the most of it. Drop messages during the day or send an email. There are times when people prefer sharing their thoughts through letters or messages. Encourage a nonverbal chat. If the silence is because of a fight, make sure you are not escalating the situation.” According to Shweta Saxena, clinical psychologist, a patient approach works best. She says, “Begin with informal topics and then gradually proceed towards personal issues of immediate attention. Starting with impersonal topics would act as a warm-up for better discussion ahead.”

TWOGATHER

We are the happiest when we do things that we love. Saxena says one should take a cue from what your partner enjoys and do it together. She says, “You have to enjoy the activity. Check the comfort level once you begin a conversation with your partner. Continue only if they give a hint. Or else, do what would best suit their mood immediately. Do not put them off for a long time.This way, your mind is at peace and you are able to convey your true thoughts. If the partner is still hesitant to start talking or expressing him/her, it is okay to prompt and reach a goal. Check the comfort level once you begin a conversation with your partner.”

The first and foremost step is to understand why your partner doesn’t communicate. Is this his/her nature? Or has a certain incident made them to go silent? Or do you not understand what they are trying to convey? SALMA PRABHU CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST