INLAWS AND ORDER

Having a tough time dealing with your inlaws or with issues of your spouse with your parents? Here’s how to tackle them

Often, when two people start dating each other, initially, it’s just the two of them in the picture. Later, the couple also gets to know each other’s friends and family members. You also visit each other’s homes and meet respective family members — it’s a rosy picture. But more often than not, after marriage, this set up crumbles, and you or your spouse are at loggerheads with your respective in-laws or vice versa. And, arguably, many of us will agree that this is the reality of most marriages.

STARTING POINT

The point of conflict between your partner and your parents or you or your to-be in-laws starts during marriage preparations or around this time. Mary George Varghese, clinical psychologist, says that this is a very common situation in most marriages. She says, “Whether it is an arranged or love marriage, the points of disagreements are usually the same — differences on guest list, who spends for what during the wedding, should it be an expensive or inexpensive affair, you may want to spend on outfits, but your partner and his/her family wants to splurge on food or something else, the venue, menu, décor and jewellery among other things.”

POST THE WEDDING

In many cases, the wounds that are caused during the wedding ceremony don’t heal, and the rift only widens. Further in our country, post marriage, many women end up staying in the husband’s home along with his parents. Relationship counsellor Vishnu Modi says that this is a fertile ground for more friction. He says, “Humans take time to adapt to new situations. Differences arise when both the wife and the in-laws are not able to adapt to their new environment. Of course, there are many other factors as well.” But, according to Jaiswal, the situation may be different in a joint family setup. He says, “It’s easier for joint families to take in a new family member. The very essence of a joint family is about coexistence despite differences. However, it also depends on how each individual nurtures his/her relationship with their inlaws.”

THE SOLUTION

While all the parties can cause harm, they can also bring peace. But bringing normalcy into such a situation depends on the people involved. As a first, parents can help build bridges with their offspring’s in-laws. Varghese says, “Parents should start familiarising with the immediate family members of the son/daughter’s in-laws. Since the relationship is sensitive, a healthy approach would be to not interfere in the matters of the couple and give them space. Help the couple to seek professional help, as a professional can give an impartial and objective perspective and lead the couple to make the right decision.” On the other hand, if your spouse has serious issues with your parents, you can also help. According to Modi, the best thing in this scenario is to not take sides. He says, “Many a time, people get carried away by emotions when it comes to family members, and blindly take their sides. Take a neutral approach. If you are staying with your parents after marriage, staying separately with your wife will help sooth tempers over time and bring things to what they were when you started dating.”

Aarish Singh and Achala Kaur (names changed), a businessman and a financial consultant respectively, dated for two years before they tied the knot a few years ago. When they started dating, the duo would visit each other’s homes regularly. The rift between Achala, Aarish and their respecitive parents started on the wedding day. Aarish says, “When my mother wanted Achala to wear a certain kind of bangles, she refused to do so. She was rude to her as well for some reason. My mother was hurt and I was so furious that I wanted to cancel the marriage plans.” But, as destiny would have it, they got married and started living with Aarish’s parents. The difference between Achala and Aarish’s parents got nastier from day one, and because of this, they too started having regular tiffs. Aarish too started having issues with his in-laws, until he took a tough decision. He says, “One day, I just decided to move out of my parents’ home. The fights and arguments stopped. My wife still holds grudges against my parents. But, we are at peace now.”

Modi sums it up, “Happy marriages are never easy. At the same time, you can’t keep everybody happy completely, whether it’s your wife or parents or in-laws.”

Parents should start familiarising with the immediate family members of the son/ daughter’s inlaws. Since the relationship is sensitive, a healthy approach would be to not interfere in the matters of the couple and give them space. MARY GEORGE VARGHESE CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST

FOR REPRESENTATIONAL PURPOSE ONLY; PHOTO: SHUTTERSTOCK