‘She is treating you like a common messenger pigeon’

My school friend knows that I have a crush on him, but he loves my friend. He is currently dating her. Now, my ex has come back to me and I am dating him. But, I can’t forget my crush. Please help. AR, what a complicated miniseries. What I can’t understand is why did you complicate issue by taking back your ex-boyfriend? Sadiq Borovic, the Balkan beat poet, explained all this when he said, “Going back to your ex is like paying your income tax twice over.” And remember at this time in the Balkan, no one really paid their income tax even once in the first place. AR, the guy you love, knows you love him, but he still went ahead and chose your friend. That’s pretty much end of story. What’s really sad is your poor ex, who is now a simple pawn in your game of lovechess. My suggestion: please exit both contracts. Your application has not been passed.

I dated a girl for six months. But, she broke up with me because she needed time. She promised that she’d come back to me. But, I got desperate and asked her to come back sooner. Now, she has cut off all contacts with me and told me to stay away from her. What should I do? AG, didn’t you read my book “What Genghiz Khan said, and what he meant”? Genghiz, used to tell the first village on his trail to vacate in one hour, or all would be slaughtered. That’s what he said. He would then enter 15 minutes later, well before the hour, and slaughter all. That’s what he meant. For you it’s similar, except your girl I presume isn’t a Mongolian man who became the world’s greatest conqueror, bar none. And if she is, and you are still alive, consider yourself real lucky. AG, she wanted out clearly. In an effort to not be cruel, she said she needed time. But she really meant, she wanted out. She’s now pretty clear. So you need to leave her alone and move on to the next village.

I am somewhat attracted to a friend who is madly in love with me. I’ve told him that I am not interested in dating him. He loves me so much that he can’t stop talking to me even for a day. I feel bad for him. What should I do to make him stop loving me? RF RF, frankly speaking, lots of people speak to each other every day. Speaking every day is no proof of love. School children speak every day, Husband and wives. House owners and staff. Lonely people and telemarketers. Donald Trump and Vladmir Putin. The list goes on and on. You yourself said you are somewhat attracted to him. I don’t think you want him to stop loving you. If you really did, then going by your own logic, all you got to do is stop talking to him for a day or so, and break his ‘loving’ record. It feels like in actuality you like him and the attention you get. I’d ask you to wake up and smell the roses. But the last reader to whom I suggested that was allergic to roses, and spent four days in hospital. So instead, I’ll ask you to ask yourself whether you haven’t already fallen for the gentleman ‘daily talker’.

AT CYRUS @HINDUSTANTIMES.COM AND I’LL GIVE YOU SOME RELIEF…. ERR… THAT IS, PROVIDED, I’M NOT DOING A HEADSTAND AT THE TIME

My friend has a crush on one of my male friends. Recently, after a short fling with him, she has almost become obsessed with him. She asks me to pass on all kinds of messages to him. I am sick of being a messenger for her. She is becoming like a stalker. How should I stop this? Fed up Fed Up, I agree with you. She is treating you like a common pigeon. That ancient messenger of old. And let me assure you that the pigeon is given a hearty meal, and has his chest rubbed with a delicate lotion from Arabia, of his choice, before he’s sent on a mission. What do you get! A pat on the back? I suggest you take her to your local post office and introduce her to the postal service. There’s a whole generation that doesn’t seem to have heard of the postal service — and mind you, some of them even work there. And while you’re at it, explain Whatsapp, e-mail, and SMS to her. In the modern world, there’s no excuse for the manual messages. It has no place in the 21st century. Even the pigeons have accepted all this gracefully, so your friend better do so, too. Unless, of course, in reality it’s you that she’s after. Then follow your nearest pigeon and run.