LIVING IN PAIN, AND IN FEAR OF THE PAIN

s this like a cancer,” I asked my gynaecologist. “No, but it can tear your life apart,” she said.

Almost every day of the last ten years, I have lived in fear, in pain and in anticipation and fear of the pain. I don’t remember my first ever pain attack. Perhaps it was in my early teens when I came home from school crying. In my mid20s, I remember doubling up in a tiny, edit studio in the middle of the night. There was the 3 am pain during a trip to Karnataka when I screamed as the pangs woke me. I didn’t know then that I was living with a monster called endometriosis. I found out one summer afternoon. My husband was travelling and I was feeling like my abdomen was being stabbed repeatedly. The pain was radiating to my legs and lower back. I did not have my period. I managed to get myself admitted to a hospital. The scans didn’t show anything until my gynaecologist identified a ruptured follicle and suspected endometriosis. That was the first time I heard the word. It was also the first of many laparoscopic surgeries.

I was 36, on sabbatical from my media career and had just plunged headlong into another career — that of traveller, travel writer and blogger. I had no idea then that my life would be completely taken over by the disease, my mind and body crippled with pain and my confidence dented in the years to follow.

I was diagnosed with Grade 3 and eventually Grade 4 endometriosis. I developed crippling lower back pain, migraines, constipation, thyroid imbalances, IBS, gastric disorders, pelvic infections, and that’s not even the whole list. I tried alternative therapies, detoxed and changed my diet. I rediscovered faith. My supportive doctors insisted I never give up on travel. They saw it was a panacea to my pain. Every trip was an escape into a world without endometriosis.

I am grateful to a few friends and family and a very supportive husband who has lived through my trauma. I joined international support groups online and realised we needed one in India too. So I started a support group on Facebook.

I was not comfortable writing about my experience, letting the vulnerable side of my life into the public eye. And yet I wanted to share my story. To me every day is still a battle – will I let the pain and the fear of pain get the better of me. I live on hope and a prayer that someday I will be free from pain.