When life gets in the way of love

It can be hard starting one’s search later in life. Hard, but not impossible. There are simple early steps to take. A new client of mine is 51, never dated, and is finding her feet already

Isha, a 51-year-old client, has never been on a date. She’s an articulate executive and a woman of the world. She heads an export house that deals in luxury furnishings; travels extensively to Europe and the US. Nonetheless, she’s never been in a relationship.

She was very nervous at our first session. When I asked her what she was seeking from it, Isha said she wanted the companionship of a man. Until a year ago, she lived with her parents. She lost them both recently. The loneliness has begun to get to her, Isha says. She hates entering an empty house, having no one to have a simple conversation with.

I asked Isha how it was that she hadn’t had any romantic relationships, and she said these just hadn’t happened for her. There was a time in her late 20s when she would have liked to get married, but she and her parents made very little effort to find her someone. After that she became engrossed in her work and in caring for her parents, and says she didn’t feel the need for a companion.

Now, Isha wishes she had taken the time to find a partner. It troubles her that she has no one to call her own (Isha is an only child). Physical intimacy is not something she is actively thinking about. But what’s often on her mind are questions such as, what would happen to her in case of serious illness?

This statement is in keeping with a Floh Singles Survey that we conducted in 2020. In the survey, 82.5% of singles chose everyday companionship as their number one reason for wanting to be in a relationship. Emotional support (77%) came in second, a chance at romance (73.5%), third. Sex /physical intimacy (56.5%) came in at number four.

This is not surprising to me. It is the irony of our times that the average human is connected with more other humans than at any time in our history, and yet the average urban human is more lonely than they’ve ever been. In our box-like homes, alone with our troubles, the most we can hope for, as family sizes shrink, is one other adult to share our lives with. Gone (for better and worse, admittedly), are the large, bustling joint families that lived, raised children, tackled adversity and often pursued a shared livelihood together.

What I admire about Isha is that she is a realist, and is actively working towards the change she seeks in her life. She is approaching her search for a companion methodically, trying the different avenues available. We started with matrimony and dating apps. But she also joined a language class. Isha has always wanted to learn French. Meeting fellow students and socialising with them after class has lifted her spirits and put her back out into the world socially.

As we navigate her journey, it’s been interesting to see her operate from a place of confidence, not desperation. She isn’t overcompensating, trying too hard, or panicking (all of which I’ve seen, understandably, in somewhat younger seekers of love). Vitally, she isn’t being consumed by regret or the idea of missed opportunities. She is driven by logic and realism, both quite rare in my field.

Doing something she enjoys (the French class) as part of her search has helped her settle into it more easily. Maybe soon there’ll be… two less lonely people in the world.

(Simran Mangharam is a dating and relationship coach and can be reached on simran@floh.in)

of a unique radio museum in Bengaluru

DISNEY A still from Tangled, a 2010 retelling of the Rapunzel story. There are many reasons a person may spend years locked in a metaphorical tower. It’s never too late to exit.