Hindustan Times ST (Mumbai) - Live
When far, far away ruins the fairytale
Long-distance love is hardest when the love is new. To give a bond a better shot, it helps to build a base of time, trust and commitment
How difficult are long-distance relationships? Studies suggest that in the US, about 40% end in collapse. Anecdotal evidence from my years of experience indicates that the figure is not much lower in India.
This is not surprising to me. Intimacy is the lifeblood of a romantic relationship, and even with our many screens, there is no real substitute for the physical affection of a loved one. But that is the most obvious downside.
There are two others that most couples don’t see coming: the unintended breakdown in communication, and simple loss of habit.
Non-verbal cues are so vital to how humans communicate that, even in the pandemic, psychiatrists were reluctant to conduct sessions online. How could one get a sense of a patient’s state of mind if one couldn’t see their gestures, look clearly into their eyes, and take in the smaller variations in tone, volume and timbre.
Now think of all that one must talk about in a relationship over months — the emotions; disagreements; day-to-day logistics of housekeeping, money and family. Among these are issues that are difficult enough to tackle when one is sharing a home. How is one to argue, negotiate or resolve disputes, amid the slow erosion that comes from not being able to wake up together, or spend quiet moments in the same room?
A relationship would have to be exceptionally strong and well-founded to survive the unusual state of continuing to share a life and all its stresses, while enjoying little to none of the intimacy that normally comes with such a bond.
Add to this the simple loss of habit. Anyone who’s had a month of late nights at work knows how easy it is to lose sight of the little things: one neglects to mention a lunch plan one has made, a new purchase, a phone call from a common friend. Add distance, different time zones, new social circles, and the gap widens. Soon, if one isn’t hyper-vigilant, all the things that united a couple can fall away, except the emotion. And whatever the songs say, love isn’t all it takes.
So, are all long-distance relationships doomed? The short answer is no. I have friends, Amit and Tina, who have been married 25 years. They’ve lived in different cities for the past 10, kept apart by their careers. Their 15-year-old is in boarding school. They say they’ve been able to make it work because they had a very strong relationship before the distance occurred.
It helps that they have the money to shrink the distance at will, and have workplaces that allow for some flexibility. Their first ground rule for making it work is to meet as often as possible and not worry about the cost of doing so. They spend all their son’s holiday spells together, working remotely during these periods.
They talk twice a day, without exception.
They have also committed to ending their long-distance arrangement when their son finishes school in two years.
I believe that a couple that has spent a substantial amount of time together has a higher chance of making a relationship work despite distance. For one thing, it means that the early, restless years of uncertainty and longing are not just behind the couple, they have helped turn a “maybe” into a “this is it”.
While one still faces the inevitable periods of turbulence, misfortune, temptation and ennui, at least one can count on a deep bond, commitment and a determination to make it work. This is missing if the two people have not spent enough time together, or have had turbulent years together instead.
As for couples who never intend to live in the same city, I do wonder whether that can technically be called a relationship. Then again, there have been times in our history when a relationship wasn’t a relationship if it didn’t end in children, in marriage, in cohabitation. As with all matters of the heart, the only opinions that count are those of the people involved. And all they need concern themselves with are two questions: Do I feel loved? And: Does this make me happy?