Not a few of our favourite things
Department of pet peeves
Now that Mumbai’s local train services are on the verge of cranking up their operations again, albeit only to vaccine-certified commuters, it would not be wrong to say that the lifeblood of the city will begin to flow once more.
Mumbai’s trains, after all, are more than just a means of transport for over seven million or so of the city’s daily commuters. They are also a metaphor of the determination and resolve of the city, an epitome of the famous “do-or-die, come-what-may” spirit that it has long been associated with, connecting far-flung dreams and aspirations, as they make their heaving, gritty, overcrowded run up and down 150 stations and 390kms across the city’s corners.
So, it would not be wrong to say that Mumbai runs when its trains run.
But even as the city begins to slowly resume its routines and its rituals and there appears to be a great urge to return to “the good old days and ways”, it would not be wrong to pause for a moment and reflect on some of the more disagreeable and unattractive factors of the way things once were in Mumbai — things and ways we hope we never go back to again: in short, a compilation of what’s NOT a few of our favourite things:
Mumbai’s congested, unsafe, unventilated and outdated local trains. The citizens of Mumbai deserve better — much better; and hopefully, with a new Metro on the anvil and the promise of modern, better-designed, plusher, air-conditioned trains, the sight of commuters being squashed like sweaty shrimps at Sassoon Dock, or hanging on for dear life by the skin of their teeth on rusty railings, or riding on rooftops becomes a thing of the past.
The sight of garbage piled high on Mumbai’s streets and the ignominy of litter-strewn and paan-stained public spaces that we have come to accept as part of our city for so long. This is something we hope we will not return to. BMC are you listening?
Those endlessly long traffic jams that blight the city’s every waking hour, accompanied by the unceasing, relentless drone of honking cars and the fetid, lethal, brown smoke they emit. Now that we are on the verge of getting back to pre-pandemic normalcy, we are certainly not looking forward to these symbols of “normalcy”. The outrage of ambulances not being given right of way as they attempt to rush the sick and dying to hospitals and help.
The daily parade of those inexhaustible VIP cavalcade accompanying politicians, which interminably hold up traffic and free flow of life and business for the average citizen.
The transgressions of authoritarianism: Policemen lathi-charging peaceful protestors; building watchmen bullying hapless taxi drivers; doormen of five-star hotels rudely ejecting people who don’t appear “well-heeled enough” are some of the things we are certainly not looking forward to returning to.
Public displays of discourteousness and boorishness: People rushing out of cinemas while the credits still run; self-styled VIPS breaking queues because they assume they are entitled to; the unholy rush for the front row of fashion and awards shows; the babel of people barking instructions to their drivers on their cell phones as soon as a plane lands are some of the extreme signs of entitlement and rudeness that we could do without.
Rich people expending enormous amounts of time and energy bargaining with poor street side vendors of fruits and vegetables, as though their lives depended on it, just to score a point when they’ve just blown up several thousand at established and overpriced stores, without batting an eyelid.
Flashy “art openings” where no one is interested in the art, or even the artist, but are too busy posing for pictures and networking.
Society parties where people air kiss and say “we must catch up” when no one has any intention of doing so. Those infernal photo walls that have become a staple at any and every city event, where one is required to queue up to pose for a photo, so that even if no one recalls your presence at the party, least of all your host, there is an official record of the tedium.
The sight of rows of sleep-deprived, cold and often starving drivers, waiting in their cars way past midnight, outside on empty dark streets, while their employers party cozily till the cows come home, upstairs and indoors.
The cringe-inducing adulation for Bollywood and even its tiniest “celebrities” by hosts and hostesses, while ignoring the truly talented and worthy such as doctors, scientists and humanitarians, who get pushed aside in the clamour.
Public displays of virtue signalling: Socialites who use philanthropy as a photo-op; politicians who plant trees on one day of the year, while cheerfully sanctioning the destruction of wooded acres for the rest of the year; businessmen who use CSR as a means of burnishing their halos — you know the drift, we’re certainly not looking forward to returning to all that.
The Hallmark-isation of every single calendar date and the giddy social media greetings that they foster is one of the things we hope the new normal will not bring back. The merry-go-round of recycled gifts that accompany all festivals, where one box of stale cashew nuts or mithai can be sent on an endless journey between five to six homes, before it’s returned to its original sender.
Those meaningless, OTT and stress-inducing dress codes for social events: “Glitter and Gold”; “Scintillating Sparkle” and “Black and White and Red All Over”, which ensure that guests have to jump through hoops to be acceptably attired.
The eyesore of families feasting on gargantuan meals at restaurants, while their nannies sit minding the kids, with barely a morsel on their plates
The astronomical budgets spent on flower arrangements at weddings and social events which could be put to better use to help people in need of basic amenities. That feeling of apathy, irresponsibility and disconnectedness that prevents Mumbaiites from reaching out beyond themselves and their immediate situations, to embrace the city that has afforded them their lives and livelihoods.
So, there you have it gentle reader, 20 of the things that we certainly are not looking forward to returning to, now that things are getting back to the way they once were.
What’s on your list? We’d love to know…