Are you in a toxic relationship?
“If you’re frequently anxious, doubting yourself or feeling drained and unhappy around your partner, it’s likely that you are in a toxic relationship,” says psychotherapist and relationship counsellor Aman Bhonsle. A toxic relationship is defined as one that makes you feel uncomfortable about your life or who you are.
“There’s a lot of blaming, a lot of guilttripping, coldness and unspoken feelings,” says Bhonsle. “A constant ‘You did this therefore I did that’. Typically, there’s a certain cantankerousness and frustration, with even the positive patterns a result more of habit than affection.”
Controlling behaviours are a common marker. These are usually a unidirectional flow of directives on how to speak, behave, dress, eat. “Often these comments are made under the guise of watching out for you,” says psychologist and relationship counsellor Nisha Khanna. “Look out for signs of control over your contact with the outside world.” Toxic relationships are marked, Khanna adds, by displays of resentment, lack of trust and a loss of intimacy.
Can they be fixed?
You can try to repair a toxic relationship, says Khanna. But a crucial first step is admitting that there is toxicity and it needs to be addressed. The three necessary phases would look like this:
Acknowledge: It is impossible to transition l to a healthier pattern of loving, says Bhonsle, without openness and willingness from both partners.
Explore: Any reconciliation needs to be l negotiated. It cannot be dictated or achieved through arm-twisting. Explore how the toxicity began, and how it was allowed to continue. Resolve to both be more vigilant.
Redefine: Re-examine where your boundaries l ought to lie. Return to a place of compassion and self-responsibility. This will mean talking more, and more honestly. Seek the help of a counsellor if this stage proves too difficult to navigate together.
A big part of redefining a formerly toxic relationship is recognising what a healthy one looks like. A good relationship is a place of kindness, support and encouragement, where both people move towards goals that are individual and shared.
A toxic relationship will also have good days that may look like this, followed by series of damaging events that leave the subject of the abuse confused and frustrated. Over time, the subject will begin to feel worthless, isolated, even deserving of the ill-treatment.
“The self-doubt is a precursor to anxiety, and that can become its very own beast in the long run,” Bhonsle says. Whether the relationship is repaired or ended, it is also important to ask why you stayed in it, Bhonsle says. “Once you see the truth, it will set you free.”