‘Open some champagne’
Me and my boyfriend broke up about a year back. We have many common friends and are dating different people right now. Recently, we met at a party at a friend’s house. Our respective partners weren’t present. And, after getting drunk, we ended up getting very intimate. Now, he wants to meet me again, and I am afraid, we may end up cheating on our partners again. What should I do? — AD
The big question here is what does your ex-boyfriend want? In food terms is he looking back for a Tibbs Frankie? Or is he looking for a nine course, fine dining Italian dinner. You know the one served by waiters with white gloves and bow ties? Oh, and sometimes clothes as well. How serious are you both about your new partners. You can do this simple exercise. Imagine your ex-boyfriend, your present boyfriend and a rhenus monkey were all hanging from a cliff. Who would you save and why? The correct answer is the rhenus monkey. If you choose one of the other two, than that’s the one you need to pursue.
Recently, I dumped my girlfriend of four years for someone else. But, she dumped me within a month. So, I wanted to get back to my ex. But, she said she is already dating someone. I want her back anyhow. Nitin
Nitin, you are following the path of the great scientist Yaani Polygarcas, who came up with the Yo-Yo Theory. Polygarcas once put his finger out of an open window, and found his finger moved both left to right and then right to left. He immediately used this phenomenon to invent the first car wiper. And, this was 60 years ago before the first car was invented. You have replaced Polygarcas’s finger with girls. But what works for fingers doesn’t work for whole bodies. You dumped the first lady, then you got dumped in turn. That doesn’t mean you automatically get to go back and reclaim the first one. In any case, she has said no. So, please yo-yo elsewhere.
About three months back, I got engaged to a guy I had met on a marriage portal. We were supposed to get married later this year. But, last week, he called up my parents and told them he is calling off the marriage. He didn’t even tell me. Ever since, he has stopped taking my calls. — RA
Gather 10 of your married friends, and tell them your story. Then please record their reactions. Most of them will break into a jig. Others will open a champagne. But almost all of them will do air somersaults to express their happiness. A cancelled marriage is a beautiful thing. It’s sheer poetry — something to be enjoyed and engulfed with all the senses. The one word that springs to mind is the word lucky. The guy abruptly cancelled, told your parents without telling you, and is not taking your calls. What does this tell you? It tells that you are super-duper lucky. You are not marrying this nimonyroop. Please open some champagne. Cheers.
I am 25, and recently, I started dating a new girl. One day, she confessed about her past relationships and told me that she had been physical as well. But, since that day, the thought of the girl I love having sex with others has been haunting me. I think about it all the time. What can I do? — Ajay
Stop being a chauvinist. That spot is taken. Too many applicants. ‘Cool dude’, is vacant. ‘Nice guy’ has been open for years. Try one of them. Ajay bhai, virginity is an overrated concept. Instead of judging her, judge yourself. How many people did you sleep with? If not why didn’t you? Everybody has a past. As long as she’s not a raving psychopath, genocidal maniac or a Justin Bieber fan, you’ve done fine. Get over this complex and enjoy the present. The present is more important to your future. And, every time you have thoughts, think of really old people waxing. I find that visual pleasantly distracting.