STARE TACTICS
Is there someone in your office or in your locality who just stares at you? If you think this person is interested in you, then you may be wrong, say experts
We all will vouch for it. Somewhere, you must have encountered someone just staring at you; right into your eyes. And, if this person is someone who you have spotted regularly, then chances are the staring business will occur at every instance. In fact, having handled readers’s relationship queries for the Cyrus Broacha column for a while now, gives us reason to believe that such incidences are fairly common among people; yes, many of the questions pertain to ‘stares’.
So, what does it mean when a person of the opposite sex or rather the same sex just stares and doesn’t say anything to you? Is he/she in love with you? If not, what is it? We try to find answers, and hopefully put an end to all such queries to Uncle Cy.
DECODING THE STARING
There could be several reasons. And, according to psychosocial analyst and relationship counsellor, Aman Bhonsle one of them is sexual attraction. He says, “Hormones, particularly in young adults and adolescents, are always raging. But social conditioning and cultural appropriateness of approaching a woman may be an inhibitor. So, if a person wants to say, ‘I like him/her,’ social conditioning will make me going and talking to this person appear me being as creepy, invasive or disrespectful. So, the next best thing is to send a signal. It’s like the Morse code of love; the code is meant to disguise the message, but the message is meant to reach. All messages that we give out are on the social or psychological level.”
According to Bhonsle, social level messaging means that we have to be kind, polite and appropriate. He says, “Psychological level messages mean you could be cunning and greedy. The social level message means ‘look at me, I am looking at you.’ The psychological level ones mean we get intimate conversationally or physically”. However, psychiatrist Dr Gittanjali Saxena has a different perspective. She says that the staring happens because of desire, longing, passion and lust. She says, “Men stare at women they are attracted to and so do women. It is human nature. Both genders are trying to get an idea of what that person’s personality is like. Sometimes, women stare at men looking for something, which they find is lacking in their partner, whereas, men stare at women longing for their beauty and it usually has nothing to do with their partner.”
KNOW THE TRUTH
So, how do you know if the person, who is staring at you likes you, is interested in you or is just looking at you because you stare back at him/ her. Bhonsle says, “You cannot tell for sure. It’s a gamble because a lot of people don’t have the same facial expressions, even if they have the same emotions. For example, while paying attention, you may have a tendency to squint your eyes. But, when someone else does this, it could be a sign of disbelief. So, sometimes a lot gets lost in translation when you speak and in your facial expressions.” He adds, “I may think I am looking at somebody in a friendly way, but that person may think that I am looking at him/her in a sexual way. There is no standardised facial expression that says ‘I am interested in you’. There is no guarantee of what the other person is thinking about you. Chances are if you are a really good actor or really good looking any expression on your face
The social level message means ‘look at me, I am looking at you.’ The psychological level ones mean we get intimate conversationally or physically. AMAN BHONSLE, PSYCHOSOCIAL ANALYST AND RELATIONSHIP COUNSELLOR
will look pleasant.”
THE OPPOSITE EFFECTS OF STARING BACK
One should also remember that staring back at someone may make him/her fall for you. Relationship expert Vishnu Modi says, “One may be harmlessly staring at someone over a period of time, but, you should realise that if you are staring back at him/ her simultaneously, you are altering this person’s thinking. For example Manthan Gupta, a college student, had a habit of sitting with his friends outside his building late in the nights. There was a girl in his adjoining building, who used to just stare at him every time she was at her window. Eventually, he fell in love with her. He also tried talking to her during the day when he saw her in the locality. One day, he was left heartbroken, when he got to know that she was dating someone since a long time. Till date, he doesn’t know why she used to stare at him.”
YOUR REACTION
This should depend on whether that look is pleasant or making you uncomfortable. Bhonsle says, “If the look is pleasant, you could engage in a conversation. Ask something like, ‘I am new here and thought I would come and say hi to you’. These are nonthreatening ways to engage. But you have to assess whether the stare is an invite or not.”