CHANGING LANES
Are you in a relationship with someone who suddenly seems like a stranger? Experts say it may be a ‘natural progression’; suggest ways to handle it
The wooing stage is something that almost everyone goes through in life. You are either wooing someone or vice versa. One aspect that is common in the wooing stage is that people try their best to gain your love — you will find a person’s most amicable picture looking at you. But, after you start dating this person, who’s wooed you, the whole situation changes. He or she refuses to listen to you, wants to do his own thing and sometimes you will find things turning in the opposite direction. So, why does this happen? What do you do about it? We try to get answers.
WHY CHANGE AFTER THE WOOING STAGE
When we get into a relationship, the feeling is new for us. With time, the newness starts to fade and this could be one of the reasons for the change. Clinical psychologist, Tanushree Bhargava says, “To an extent, it’s natural for people to change. A person’s behaviour is affected by his/ her initial experience in the current relationship. People grow and evolve together. In the beginning of a relationship you try to impress your partner but once you become secure in a relationship you open up, your natural self comes out and one may perceive this as a change.”
HOW DOES IT AFFECT YOU
During the initial contact or conversations, you make certain impressions about the person. But once this person starts dating you, and suddenly changes, Bhargava says that you could feel “confused, disappointed and manipulated”. She says, “You might even blame yourself for the changes in your partner or the relationship, which can be severely affected. You may also feel you are being cheated on or want to end the relationship.”
DEALING WITH A PARTNER’S CHANGING NATURE
While getting into a relationship, one has to remember that no one is perfect and the flaws will be visible only after spending a certain time with each other. Mental health counsellor, Kavita Mungi says, “Once the basic principles that one lives for are clearly understood, things will become easier. Learn to understand the changes and accept those that are minor. But stand up and speak for those that are against your values.” Relationship expert Vishnu Modi says that at times dealing with a partner’s changing nature after you start dating him/her can even end a relationship. He says, “When Nalini Daya (name changed), a banker, started dating Haren Shah (name changed), an architect, everything was fine initially. Shah had been wooing her for about six months, but after a few months into the relationship, things started changing. Shah’s behaviour was changing and he started ignoring Daya. He wouldn’t take her calls or reply to her messages; during the wooing stage, he would call her and WhatsApp her frequently. Soon, Daya started thinking that he was cheating on her. This is when she started consulting me.” The relationship lasted for about two years, before Daya pulled the plug.
WARNING SIGNS IN THE WOOING STAGE
But you can always stop it in its tracks by looking for a few signs. Bhargava says, “If there is too much PDA, a lot of confusion, not much serious discussion about commitment and no talk about the future, it’s a sign that something may be wrong.” Mungi says, “If you feel the person who is wooing you is making it up, find out more about him/her through family and friends. Social media can be used to gauge a person’s standing among people, who are close to them. It also gives you an idea about the person’s lifestyle . You can also be alert to behavioural flaws. You can probe and enquire with subtlety and without being too obvious.”