‘There’s no such thing as the first move, be normal’
I am a 25-year-old guy and I have a feeling my girlfriend is cheating on me. She had got a random call from a wrong number a few months back, and I think she has been in touch with the person ever since. How do I find out if she is cheating me or not? — PS
PS, what a story this is. Look, I’m in touch with both Random House and Rupa Publications, I’ll put it in a good word for you. It’s a fantastic set up. You are dating a girl. She gets a random call. Maybe from a telemarketer. He tries to sell her life insurance. She falls in love with this offer. I see a web series, or a movie, maybe even a reality show. Now, coming to your question, if you feel she’s found someone else, you can try and lay a trap, by checking her phone, digital footprint etc. However, I’m a great fan of the ‘Old is Gold’ policy. Basically even during inflation or recession, buy gold. And by gold, I mean tell her what you told me. Ask her for an honest answer, give her a chance to tell all. Then, share the rights, contact Amazon, use my name, meet Sharma in marketing, make your web series, become a millionaire.
I am a 27-year-old man and I have been in a relationship for the last six months. However, we recently found out that my girlfriend is asexual. We have consulted doctors, but nothing seems to work out. What do I do? — SB
SB, honestly Asmita? Yes. I’ve heard of, Apeksha? 100%, but asexual? I’m not sure about that. The problem here is the fact that you have consulted not one doctor, but doctors. They studied medicine. And got degrees in medical care. Asking me to diagnose, and overrule them is like throwing a pilot off the plane, and then asking me, a person who is incapable of being able to parallel park the car, to fly the plane. How does one determine she’s asexual? Is it done by a blood test? Making her cough? Or behaviour traits like, she sleeps on her left side? I think you have every right to a physical relationship. It’s not in the constitution, but you do. If she’s not attracted to you, why should you suffer? You already have a mother. Probably a sister. Plenty of friends. Plus there’s Facebook, Twitter, Insta and Tik-Tok.
I am a 28-year-old woman and I’ve been in a relationship for the last two years. My boyfriend is over
possessive and we have discussed about it a lot of times but he doesn’t seem to understand. Do you think it is time to end the relationship? — KT
Jor ling was the chief tutor of Kim Jong Un. (He’s the guy who taught Kim Jong Un maths and philosophy, and once famously marked one of Kim’s answers as wrong. Also just before he was executed with anti-aircraft guns on a tarmac in Pyongyang, watched by North Korea’s elite, wrote a book about jealousy. Jor ling spoke of how being possessive is a proper disease that must be treated with electric commands to the brain. Bear in mind the surviving 37 citizens from the 1,500 that were experimented on, were all cured. KT, you are already talking about breaking up, so obviously the possessive behaviour is at an advanced stage. Sadly the government forbids tinkering with your boyfriend’s brain, so I think it may be time to face the reality. I suppose one final chance, in cricketing terms, a last over, could be offered, and then yes, please pull the plug.
I am a 22-yearold woman, single for almost four years now. I have a crush on someone in my office, but I am not really sure how to make the first move without sounding desperate for attention. What doIdo? —OP
OP, my book, Understanding Romance by the time you have your first stroke, explains your predicament. There is no such thing as the first move. Instead of an overt gesture just meet at the water cooler and say hello. I’ve said it 48,377 times, romance grows best from normalcy. Stop watching Karan Johar romantic films, and be exceedingly normal with him.