BEING MATURE ABOUT DIVORCE
Every case is different and there’s no rule of thumb as to how one deals with it. Experts suggest keep things calm and also factor in your kids before calling it quits
Though completely opposite to each other, marriage, much like divorce, can really affect a person — making them experience what they might have thought they never will. Maybe, a decade back, divorces were largely looked as something that could only be expressed in the language of grief and anger. But now, modern-day experiences reveal how divorces and the way we look at it have evolved. It is no longer limited to only anger and grief but has also expanded to accommodate compassion, vulnerability and kindness.
One can see the same in some of Noah Baumbach’s movies. His film titled Marriage Story (2019) tells the tale of divorce in a language of love, passion and occasional anger. Fifteen years back, Baumbach made a movie, The Squid and The Whale (2005), a film on the divorce of his parents. The Squid and The Whale looked at divorce from the child’s perspective and had a notably bitter tone to it. Marriage Story, on the other hand, is a much more mature take on how to deal with divorce.
TWO SIDES OF THE SAME COIN
But then, does Baumbach’s movie apply well to real life? “I do not want anything to do with my ex-spouse. I do not believe in forgetting and forgiving. Maybe, ignoring will help, but I am not one to let go of things completely. My divorce was painful,” says 31-year-old Wricha (name changed). While
EXPERT ADVICE
Wricha believes in drawing a curtain on her ex-spouse, Priya (name changed) believes mutual respect is the way to move forward. “We have a civilised and amicable relationship. It is not a big deal if you don’t want to make a big deal out of it,” she explains.
We speak to a few counsellors to find out if there is a way to keep things amicable in a divorce without letting things south. Geetanjali Saxena, counsellor, believes there is a visible shift in the way people handle divorces these days. She says, “Interaction with your ex where there is mutual respect while maintaining boundaries will definitely go a long way in maintaining a healthy relationship after divorce, especially when kids are involved. It is better not to involve the kids in the game of one-upmanship. Letting go and forgiving is the ideal way to go about it.”
Kavita Mungi, a mental health counsellor, agrees with Saxena. She adds, “It is better to stay cordial when kids are involved. If the divorce gets bitter and harsh, and involves hurtful exchange of words, then it is best to stay away. All divorces are different and there cannot be a general rule of thumb on how one deals with it.”
THE BITTER SIDE
Dr Shyam Mithiya, consulting psychiatrist and a relationship expert, offers a solution in case of an acrimonious divorce. “For divorces which get very ugly, it is best to communicate, whenever needed, through a third party,” says Dr Mithiya, adding, “To talk or not after a divorce, largely depends on how comfortable you are with each other. It will always be beneficial for the family, kids, financial and social life if you can maintain a balance.”
Divorces often tend to take a toll on kids. Stressing on the importance of keeping one’s kids in mind while going through a divorce, Saxena explains, “During a divorce, apart from the pain and trauma experienced by the couple, the children go through an emotional upheaval as well.”
Saxena further adds, “My advice to all parents would be to avoid mudslinging
altogether. If not, at least do not do it in front of your kids. If you have children together, finding a way to be amicable with your ex will make coparenting a lot more easier. You can also maintain cordial relationships with your inlaws. That way, children will be able to find a balance and recover from it sooner. ”
But then, despite the compassionate understanding of divorce, there is another side of divorce — wherein two well intentioned people can turn against each other in no time. Some can turn their secrets and casual confessions in conversations with each other into a weapon, manipulate their children, drag in family and friends into what was meant to be personal. In a way, confirming the fact that divorces have the potential to go sour. Divorces may lead to bumpy roads but then experts say that it is for you to decide if you want to walk down that path.