Are you forcing your partner to open up?
Based on a recent study, trying to push your partner to open up, instead of respecting their space, can be counterproductive
When I wouldn’t share something with my ex, he would get upset. I would find it quite immature. With time, I started distancing myself from him.” NANDINI SHARMA, Marketing professional
Force can lead to the partner becoming defensive and distant. They may try to avoid interacting or sharing things, and may even become passive aggressive. GUNJAN RYDER, Clinical psychologist
Have you ever heard a person complain about their partner not being open with them despite their consistent attempts? While this might seem like a genuine concern, pushing someone to open up can negatively impact a relationship, according to a recent study published in the journal Personal Relationships. The study finds that strategies that support the partner’s autonomy, rather than those that control them to be a certain way, may be more effective in eliciting disclosure and transparency. This means that if you want your partner to open up, a supportive approach will be better than coercion.
“Relationships work when they are based on mutual trust, understanding, compatibility and open communication. However, often, one partner may try to control or change the other. This is counterproductive as each individual is different, but they all prefer autonomy. Nobody would appreciate being told what to do,” says Gunjan Ryder, a clinical psychologist, adding, “Control can lead to the partner becoming defensive and distant. They may try to further avoid interacting or sharing information, and might even become passive aggressive as a result.”
Having experienced the same in her past relationship, Nandini Sharma (26), marketing professional, shares, “My ex would expect me to share everything with him. When I wouldn’t, he would get upset and act distant. I would find it quite immature. With time, I started distancing myself from him.”
While it is natural to feel the need to know what your partner is thinking or feeling, it is best to give them the space to open up on their own terms. To facilitate this, there are things that can be done from your end, explains psychologist Shivani Misri Sadhoo.
Set an example by being as open as you can: Get into the
habit of sharing things with your partner, and they might follow suit, too. When you open up and show your vulnerabilities, it can allow them to feel comfortable discussing their own feelings.
Be comfortable with just listening: Rather than going into a conversation when it’s not required, tune into the listening mode, especially if your partner is frustrated and just wants to vent. You could ask them later if they want your advice or feedback. If the answer is no, let them be.
Make conversations easy: Have light, easy-going conversations to build trust. When your partner knows they can be themselves without judgement or conflict, it will make things flow naturally. Give them the assurance that they can share anything with you.
Find out your partner’s love language: Every person
brings their own personality traits to a relationship. For a bond to grow stronger with time, it is important to know how your partner expresses love. Some may prefer words of affirmation, others may prefer quality time, while for some, physical touch may be the ultimate form of love. Knowing what your partner needs and giving them that will build trust and make them want to open up to you.