Make the first move, because with men and bats, you can’t be too sure

I have been in a relationship for the last three years. But, in these years, my girlfriend has never allowed me to even kiss her, forget getting physical. She wants to wait till marriage. I am just tired of the long wait. I don’t even know if we will ever get married. Should I break up?

BR

See BR, this all depends on your behaviour towards mutual funds. Now, I’m not suggesting you should kiss your mutual funds. Unless, of course, one matures in significant manner. In which case, you would voluntarily kiss it. In fact, you’d do more than kiss it. But, really that’s none of my business, that’s between you and your mutual fund. She’s got her rules and regulations. You simply decide if it’s worth it. But BR, can’t you try to ‘patao’ her in regular ways, using your charm, music, lighting, sharing of mutual funds, that kind of thing. Work a little harder, my boy.

Recently, I met my exgirlfriend on a dating site. Two years back, she dumped me. After that, she has dated three guys. It feels like she wants to date me again. But, I am in a relationship. Whenever we talk, it reminds me of our good old days. What should I do?

Lost

Why not date both of them? I mean try it. Longinus of Apololalia (a mythical kingdom that never existed) had the same problem with Lebanese food. As in he didn’t like the taste. So he declared war on Lebanon, and mind you, he had never even tasted Lebanese food, ever before. However, just before the war with Lebanon started someone told him about Turkish food, so he promptly attacked Turkey, instead. So, Lostji, that’s an option. However, looks like you are very tempted to go back to the old flame. Put your cards on the table, and take your time.

A new guy has joined my office. And, he just stares at me. This happens every day, almost three or four times a day. I think I like this guy. But, I am waiting for him to make the first move. Should I start talking to him or just wait?

CA

CA, firstly check, when he’s staring at you, are there a group of naked people dancing directly behind you? If not, then he’s staring at you, for sure. Also at the time of staring, has he, at any point, stuck out his tongue, or pulled both ears, simultaneously, at you? If not, then he probably likes you. I say probably because with men and bats, you can’t be too sure. CA, please make the first move. The fellow you like is not an experienced lover. He’s more like a really low circus act. He has no game or plan. He needs your help. So please help him understand he likes you. Although between waiting for him or a bat, I’d choose the bat.

My best friend in college has just started dating a girl. But, before he started dating her, I helped him a lot during the courting period. We would meet and talk about this girl daily. During this phase, I fell for him. But, before I could tell him the truth, he had proposed the other girl. I still love him and it hurts when he talks about his girlfriend. What should I do?

Nelly

Nelly, what can I say? I wish I was God, so I could turn back time. Or Kim Jong Un, who claims to have invented time. You could tell him, but if the response isn’t positive, things would get awkward. It’s like having a gender change, and then, while waiting in immigration, realizing you haven’t changed your gender in your passport. Looks like he’s quite settled, so always gamble only when you have the good chance. I’ll use a mixed metaphor, “No point in ball tampering, after the Common Wealth Games is over”.