WHEN THE MAGIC FADES
Worried your partner has stopped loving you over time, and is liable to look elsewhere for love? Experts help you sail through your hard times
Collin Rodrigues
There are a few words that can describe a new relationship as well as the word “intense” can. When you start dating someone, you’re always thinking about them, and your love for your partner burns hot and fierce. But, with time, the intensity fades, and people may feel that they don’t love their partner as much as they used to, which may lead them to look for greener pastures. And, it’s easier than ever to find a new date — a swipe on your phone is all it takes. So how do you remain loyal to your partner in such a situation?
A DIFFERENT PHASE
According to clinical psychologist Tanushree Bhargava, all relationships tend to lower in intensity after a period of time. She says, “In the early stages, your love for your partner is about passion, intimacy and a lot of affection. But in the later stages, it’s more about long-term attachment, care, support and a life-long bond. In the beginnings of a relationship, the secretion of the neurotransmitters dopamine and norepinephrine is high — dopamine is a pleasure chemical and norepinephrine produces excitement and intense energy. But in the later stages, the level of secretion of oxytocin is higher than dopamine and norepinephrine, and oxytocin serves to lower the feelings of craziness, lust and excitement.”
Bhargava says that spending quality time and focusing on mutual care can help one maintain the relationship. She says, “Controlling your temptations, being actively committed to each other, building on attachment, emotional bonding, and maintaining healthy boundaries with other people can help one maintain a relationship.”
DO YOUR BEST
But it’s not just about the chemicals in your brain. People can also work to make sure their partners don’t lose interest in the relationship.
Kavita Mungi, a mental health counsellor, says that the trick lies in breaking the monotony. She says, “A relationship generally starts with infatuation and attraction. But you need to work at it to make it more meaningful and develop it into a lasting bond. Cheating in such relationships happens due to a dull and redundant love life. After a period of time, you know everything about each other and start looking for something refreshing elsewhere.”
She adds, “So, keep it interesting by introducing new and fun factors. For example, arrange a date night once a week and find innovative ways to be together: take up some new and fun classes that both partners would like to attend, such as dance, music or yoga; set up double dates with other couples; or go on a holiday and explore new places together. It’s also important to take the physical aspect of a relationship seriously, keep working on it and make it exciting.”
It may happen that one is unaware that their partner has lost interest in the relationship. But experts stress that it’s never too late and you can still give it a shot.
Mungi says that your efforts to bring your partner back to you should start with an open discussion on the issues at hand. She says, “It is possible to get your partner interested in you again if you share a strong bond of love. They say there is no fire without a spark, so try to keep that going. If anything about your partner putts you off, talk with them and find solutions. If it’s a health issue, it can be tackled by visiting a doctor. If it is an emotional issue, seek help from a professional instead of ridiculing it. Work together to solve your problems.”
Finally, on a positive note, lower intensity of love or a loss of interest in the relationship may not necessarily mean one will cheat on their partner. Like most things in life, such relationships may have many dimensions.
Mungi says that in such cases, people settle into comfortable relationships. She says, “They may not be madly in love, but they could prefer stability. It can also lead to a family life that is based on security and safety. Also, there may not be jealousy, anger and immaturity while dealing with your partner, which are all signs of high intensity or infatuation.”