The single parent’s guide to dating wisely
There are several ways to make dating for single parents less daunting. Experts share easy tips to build a relationship between your new partner and kids
Anjali Shetty
All relationships have their challenges. So, when you are dating as a single parent, it too, may pose some challenges. But if you and your partner decide that your relationship is serious and has long-term potential, then it’s important to begin a meaningful conversation with your children about the new person in your life.
DATING AGAIN, AS A PARENT
Dating as a single parent may seem intimidating, but there are ways to make the task less daunting. Dr Yashasree Poudwal, psychiatrist, says, “How you balance your time and emotions between your children and a new partner will play an important factor in deciding how they respond to each other. Starting to date soon after the loss of a partner (by death or divorce) may make children hostile to the new partner. When you start dating, avoid dating with the intention to replace their biological parent. They need time to adjust to the change in the family dynamics. Always be upfront about being a parent.” Experts state that this prevents feelings of deceit and helps sift out genuine suitors.
Being honest would be the key to success. Sonali Taksale, psychologist, says, “Dating someone while handling your responsibilities as a parent, being in touch with your ex for parenting your kids, and handling a new relationship that demands time and investment can all be daunting. It requires you to deal with multiple emotions. Hence, being patient and honest about how you feel helps.” She adds that it will help you to have clear conversations with your partner and address his/her insecurities. It will also provide you with an outlet and help to create a better bond between the two of you.
DRAW THE LINE
Share your joy and enthusiasm for the person you are dating. Let your children know why the relationship is important to you. It may be interesting to know what they feel and what they like about your partner. Having said this, experts share that one must not offer many details too soon. Poudwal adds, “Stick to topics that are easy to discuss. With older children, discuss the possibility of you starting to date and gauge their reaction. Never introduce every person you date to the kids. They have suffered the loss of a parental figure and it will be painful for them to get attached to someone only to lose them again. Simultaneously, make sure you aren’t rushing a relationship for the sake of the child. Take the relationship ahead at a normal pace.”
Taksale says, “When you expose your children to the new addition, remember that children may be afraid of being abandoned as you embrace a new relationship. Hence it is important that you make your commitment explicit to them before you introduce your partner. Affirming your personal commitment by expressing your feelings and hopes for their futures as well as your own may help.”
She adds that it’s important that you be sensitive while talking to your children. “Remember the children’s approval of relationship is not required but at the same time you’re also not issuing some type of ultimatum about accepting your partner. Rather, you’re initiating a conversation about how important your children are to you and what your future expectations are from your children and your partner.”
BE TRANSPARENT
Do not end up assuming that your partner will take on the role of parenting. Taksale adds, “If your partner feels that he or she has to parent your children, then you need to make it clear that your efforts should first concentrate on developing a strong relationship, and with time, sharing of responsibilities can be looked into.”
If, as parents, you share the responsibility of raising kids with your ex, it’s important to be clear about your contact and sharing of responsibilities with your date. It will help to keep misunderstandings at bay. Remember, your partner may feel insecure and uncomfortable when you are in touch with your ex. So, it’s important to talk about it.
Lastly, gauge the dynamics when your child and partner are interacting. Be aware if there is genuine concern or a desire to make the effort to get to know the children better. This will be the best measure of the future of your relationship.