ENMESHED IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP? LEAVE BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE
Are you and your partner too close for your own good? Learn how to set boundaries to escape enmeshment
We love being in love. And when we get into new relationships, our partners often become the centre of our universe. However, when we move too quick in a relationship, we risk being enmeshed in it. Enmeshment is described by The American Psychological Association as a condition where people, typically family members, are involved in each other’s activities and personal things to an extreme degree, thus limiting healthy interaction and compromising individual autonomy and identity.
Enmeshment can have serious repercussions on personal boundaries and space. Not only romantic, but it can develop between a parent and child as well, so much so, that the over involvement in each other’s lives makes it hard for the child to become developmentally independent and responsible for her/his choices. “I remember a friend of mine who has a similar relationship with her mother. When my friend used to get depressed, her mum would get anxious too. The mother wasn’t able to separate her emotional experience from that of her daughter,” says Sahiba Chadha, 31, Delhibased teacher.
These types of relationships also lead to toxic codependence. Ankur Setia, 36, Delhi-based CA, shares, “At first, enmeshment seems perfect, that deep bond which everyone yearns for is your thing, straight out of a Mills and Boons novel. But it is not a relationship you should hope for. My girlfriend and I hung out with the same people, had similar tastes, same preferences in music, so much so, the same toothbrush. After some time, I felt I kept her needs ahead of mine and became too dependent on her for everything. Breaking up with her took a toll on me as I couldn’t think through any situation on my own.”
A TANGLE OF FEELINGS
The first step of untangling yourself from such a situation is to recognise if you are in a relationship like this.
Would you say that you and your partner have distinctively different emotional states or do you tend to get worked up in a similar way? When you can’t distinguish how you feel from how they feel, it’s a red flag.
Enmeshed couples are those who are so co-dependent that they reflect one another’s emotional states. You look to see how your partner feels before you form your own emotional opinion. And that’s a dangerous power to give anyone.
HOW TO UNTANGLE
● It is vital to start with creating small emotional boundaries. Slowly begin to change the norm and develop a greater sense of autonomy.
● If you meet every day, make it once every two days.
● Try withdrawing from catering to other’s emotional needs always
● It is not your responsibility
● to cure every feeling your loved one is undergoing.
ENJOY YOUR OWN COMPANY
Introspecting and spending time alone can be scary but helps in the long run. Meditate, read or go for long walks. If you live with other people, try to carve out time for solitude and self-reflection. Being alone with your thoughts is the best way to get to know yourself. Start journaling your feelings, too.