STATES OF DELUSION
Mamata Talibanerjee’s banning of humour in West Bengal has emboldened her contemporaries. They are contemplating a long list of things they would like to be sent to the Jantar Mantar, the chamber for brainwashing first devised by the brilliant scientist Gobeshok Gobochondro Gyanotirtho Gyanorotno Gyanambudhi Gyanoch of Satyajit Ray’s Hirak Rajar Deshe. This alliance of hirak rajas (diamond kings) has a common minimum programme—self above all—but different ways of expressing it.
Narendra Modi The Vibrant Gujarat Chief Minister is thinking of banning those who have not read the cover story on him in Time magazine’s Asia edition, preferably the carefully edited Gujarati translation in the BJP paper Manogat. Questions based on the piece will henceforth be made mandatory for all government jobs. Example: Who wrote the piece which depicted a balanced, non-liberal- tainted analysis of Mahatma Modi’s powers of leadership?
Akhilesh Yadav The newly anointed Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh has petitioned the Oxford English Dictionary for a change in the term white elephant to pink elephant, in honour of the sandstone used, which will henceforth denote all symbols of waste. He is making a separate petition for the phrase lady-with-the-handbag to forever refer to Mayawati and not the Queen of England.
J. Jayalalithaa The Tamil Nadu Chief Minister has demanded that the sun stop rising. It has been ordered to only set from now on. All timings in Tamil Nadu are to be adjusted accordingly. Weather bulletins will not be allowed to give information on sunrise. Anything bearing the image of the sun will be asked to relocate, preferably to Sri Lanka.
Nitish Kumar Tired of being told that Bihar cannot do without Delhi, the Chief Minister of Bihar has decided to ban the export of people from his state. The only exception being himself when he is forced to rescue the Third Front or NDA from its leadership quandary.
Naveen Patnaik The Chief Minister of Orissa has insisted that Italians not be allowed to travel beyond Delhi, preferably not beyond 10, Janpath. He is getting quite tired of having to give in to Maoist demands in exchange for Italian nationals. Failing this, he has demanded that they be sent to Kerala to be dealt with by Chief Minister Oommen Chandy.
Prithviraj Chavan The Maharashtra Chief Minister has asked for General V. K. Singh to take over Maharashtra if he cannot take over the whole country. It’s the least he can do to save Chavan from a series of scams involving defence land. First Adarsh, then Pratibha Patil. Why does the good General not send the units of the Mechanised Infantry as well as the 50 Para Brigade towards Mumbai? That should scare the powerful rebels within his fold.
D. V. Sadananda Gowda The Karnataka Chief Minister wants B.S. Yeddyurappa to be dispatched on a permanent pilgrimage. He wants the BJP high command to instruct him to return only after conducting a puja in every Hindu pilgrimage spot. Former energy minister Shobha Karandlaje has to be present with him throughout this journey that may take months, if not years.
AKHILESH YADAV HAS PETITIONED THE OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARY FOR A CHANGE IN THE TERM WHITE ELEPHANT TO PINK ELEPHANT, IN HONOUR OF THE SANDSTONE USED, WHICH WILL HENCEFORTH DENOTE ALL SYMBOLS OF WASTE.