5 RULES OF A Great Marriage
LIKE MOST THINGS IN LIFE, RELATIONSHIPS TOO REQUIRE TIME, ATTENTION AND PATIENCE TO SUCCEED. AUTHOR MADHURI BANERJEE TELLS YOU HOW TO KEEP THE SPARK ALIVE IN YOUR MARRIAGE.
Somehow, the earlier generation got it right. The husband was the provider and the woman the nurturer. They had their roles defined. Almost written in stone. There were no complications, no angry bouts over not understanding each other and definitely fewer divorces. Our generation, on the other hand, is just lost when it comes to the subject of relationships. When we think we know everything, we decide to settle down and get married and make the other person just as confused as we are. With the rate of divorce in 2010 as high as one in four couples in India, many are grappling to find that perfect roadmap for a healthy marriage. Here are a few tips:
COMMUNICATE POSITIVELY
Don’t just talk to each other about what you did during the day, your boss’ angst, the traffic problems, your children’s school issues and the deadlines you need to meet this weekend. That’s boring stuff. Instead share what excited you about your day. Convey how you accomplished your dream today or how you overcame a difficult situation at work. Share some gossip about friends that you overheard. Explain a new problem you might need your partner’s help with. Speak about how your partner made you proud that day. Express effusively. Be generous in your compliments. Your partner wants to make you proud. But remember not to stretch it too far or the compliments will just lose their value.
On some days while your partner is at the office or out of town, correspond with him through messages or emails. Text him a fantasy you have about him, click a photo of yourself and send it to him or just write him a mail saying how much you miss him. Even a simple “I love you” would suffice. Hearing those words will give him a feeling that he is wanted in your life and this will help you to stay connected. Indulge in a little sex talk. Be naughty and wild. Routine communication can happen once a week when you are both lounging around at home.
BOOK A HOTEL
So you and your partner are working like crazy. You are juggling your career and managing children. It is tough and you need a break just to unwind and reconnect with your partner. If every weekend results in sitting in front of the television, having dinner with friends or playing with the children then you need to take a vacation. Not a long vacation of a few weeks that you have planned in summer, but a mini vacation for a night. You need to leave the kids with responsible adults or family members who can look after them and check yourself into a hotel. Go on a Saturday morning and check out on a Sunday. Just a day’s break from the minutiae of daily domesticity and work deadlines can rejuvenate you. Do not put on the television in the hotel room, but use the facilities of a pool to lounge together or swim together and spend time walking around the premises. Connect with your partner physically and mentally. Get a couple’s spa. Do this on a regular basis where sometimes he makes a booking and sometimes you pay for it. Both of you will come back refreshed.
PARTICIPATE
You like capoeira, he likes reading. You like partying every evening, he likes having single malt with his friends. You like cleaning, he is a slob. You have different tastes, different backgrounds, and different group of friends. How do you combine your interests in order to have a healthy couple life?
The thing is you can’t most of the time. You have to give each other space to enjoy what both of you like doing most. Nevertheless, this doesn’t mean you can’t share in each other’s activities. For every three times you or he does something, the other person has to accompany you on that activity once. So if you’ve gone partying with your friends three times, the fourth time he needs to go with you. Then you must not include other people and just spend an evening with him alone. If he has gone golfing three times, you must
accompany him the fourth time. Even if you sit and cheer him on from the stands. You need to participate in each other’s lives. You cannot live in a bubble, content with who you are. You married him so that he completes you in some way and you need to make an effort to grow and learn from one another. One way you can do this is by getting involved with each other’s hobbies. You’ll get to know your partner much better this way.
WORK, SPACE & INTERNET
Most of us are in a rat race of some kind. We want to work hard, earn well, and retire early. Therefore, we work like maniacs. We often forget that the people we are slogging for need our time and attention rather than the things we buy them. Finding the balance seems to be extremely difficult. Moreover, what most of us want at the end of a day is space and on the weekends some peace. We live in a world where we connect with people every day but find it difficult to connect with our spouses. So why not use the web to get and stay close.
Have a steamy Twitter relationship, send some encouraging words about his Facebook profile picture, Whatsapp him about the stuff you did or are doing. You have to start supporting your spouse in his dream, the life he envisions for both of you and he will, in turn, support you back. Marriage is teamwork. Give and you will get recieve. Don’t expect things to fall into place on its own.
COMMITMENT
Many of us get married because our parents want us to. Some get married because they think it’s the “correct time” and a few to procreate. However, marriage is an extremely strong bond that two individuals choose for themselves. You’ve made a decision to spend a lifetime together and that’s a a huge commitment.
Many of us give up easily. We feel we’ve done enough. The spouse doesn’t “get” us anymore. The love, understanding, consideration is gone. We may even feel we’ve found someone else with whom we share a spark. All marriages are the same. At some point of time, the passion will die. At some point, neither of you will understand each other and feel that the love is gone. And you will want to move on. It, then, becomes important to remember that this is just a phase. Your marriage is going through a rocky patch and you both need to hold on to it tight and see it through this tumultous phase. This could take a few months, even a few years. But eventually you will come out stronger and wiser.
Rekindle that spark with your spouse and fall in love with each other all over again.