Why Marriages Are Failing in Kashmir
THERE IS GLITZ AND GLAMOUR CONNECTED WITH OUR YOUTH. THE ROMANTICIZED NOTION OF
LOVE AND COMPATIBILITY, perpetuated by the media and the virtual world, leads them to believe that marriage is solely based on passion and infatuation
The pulpits that hold the utmost responsibility for addressing societal evils have failed to address this serious matter, choosing instead to remain silent.
In recent years, late marriages and failed marriages are the worst of the evils that have enveloped our society and significantly contributed to our moral, mental, and social degeneration. If late marriages are a result of several cultural taboos such as caste, dowry, unemployment, poverty, costly weddings, and government jobs, failed marriages reflect our collective hypocrisy, if not shame.
On the ninth day after her divorce, Asma, 33, sits on a balcony in despair, gazing at her thirteen-monthold baby. Her face has grown pallid, with evident dark circles around her formerly glittering eyes and she has lost interest in her daily tasks. Her appetite has vanished after discovering her dreams shattered. “She's still in mourning over her divorce,” her younger sister says as she unlatches the main door.
Asma holds a PhD in Zoology and was married two years ago. She recounts her dreadful tale of marriage at her home in Kulgam. Her marriage to Aftab ended a week ago after she discovered his extramarital affair.
During pregnancy, due to her husband's and in-laws' neglect, she lost one of her twins in the womb, and the other baby was born with mental disabilities. She faced all the criticism and was blamed for giving birth to an unhealthy and disabled child, who spent his first 8 months in ICU.
“Kashmir is a male-dominated society where men decide the future of a relationship,” Asma says.
“I have lost faith in the institution of marriage. I'll never consider remarrying. My only concern is….” She pauses, referring to her child who is surrounded by toys in the corner.
WHY MARRIAGES FAIL
According to the 2011 census, Jammu & Kashmir has a divorced population of 0.34% but experts believe that divorce cases in the region have seen a significant surge in recent years.
Shahnawaz Ahmad Khanday, a sociology Professor at the J&K Higher Education Department, attributes this rise to the faster pace of life, population growth, and longer life expectancy.
Infertility, often unfairly attributed to female partners, is also a key contributor to unsuccessful marriages. Sabreena, 28, got divorced a year ago when her in-laws in Srinagar accused her of being unable to conceive a child, despite medical evidence proving the contrary.
Forcing wives to prioritize their in-laws' needs over their own wellbeing also leads to marriage failure. Yusra, 30, whose primary responsibility was to care for her two children, was compelled to look after her husband's parents.
“I did my best but fell short of my husband’s expectations. I was abused and eventually divorced for failing the role of caretaker for my husband’s parents.” She says
Jozey, 28, who married in 2021 in Shopian, narrates her harrowing experience of an arranged marriage that turned into a nightmare. "The problem was getting married to someone I had never met before," She says. Her spouse worked in the fruit industry. She has taken refuge at her brother’s home for a year waiting for her husband to divorce her, who seeks Rs. 500,000 in exchange for declaring the divorce.
“Arranged marriages are scary. He would come every night between 12 and 2 a.m., and when I protested, he would abuse and beat me.” She says, “My marriage was a disaster. He would make fun of me for coming from a middle-class family.”
When asked why they don't seek legal assistance, she responds, “We are kind people, they have all the wealth and approach.” “My brother will now sell a house our father built for us to compensate for my divorce”, she adds.
Moreover, domestic violence, family interference, incompatibility, and drug addiction are cited as additional factors contributing to marital breakdowns in the region
Prof. Shahnawaz stresses the importance of understanding that marriage entails both ups and downs and requires compromise. “There is glitz and glamour connected with our youth. The romanticized notion of love and compatibility, perpetuated by the media and the virtual world, leads them to believe that marriage is solely based on passion and infatuation.”
He says, “Our youth is avaricious, always on the go, making sure that all of his needs are met. Marriage is a process of making concessions.”
Sajad Ahmad Mir, a prominent advocate at J&k High Court highlights the increase in matrimonial disputes in courts in 2023.
“Couples bring minor concerns to court, yet due to emotional manipulation, ego issues, or unnecessary meddling from in-laws, these minor issues escalate into major disputes.”
He said that a major cause of these disputes among working people is the husband's refusal to let his wife work and wife's refusal to live in a joint family with her in-laws. “What's surprising is that before marriage, couples don't discuss these matters, which subsequently become big marital feuds.”
“We have to be realistic,” Prof Shahnawaz recalls, "because our marriage expectations are different." Maintaining a strong marriage needs commitment, understanding, compromise, and continuous effort from partners. We forget that once we're in it, it's the responsibility of both parties to keep things smooth, not complicated.
SEEKING RESOLUTION
In today’s fast-paced society, couples often struggle to find the time and energy to work out their differences amicably.
“Women tend to be more motivated than men to resolve their marital issues,” Prof, Shahnawaz says, adding that, for men, the patriarchal mindset always creeps in.
Advocate Sajad observes that before entering into a marital bond, couples must sit down and discuss the key aspects such as whether the girl wants to work after marriage or not, or whether she wants to live in a joint family after marriage or not. Is this marriage the result of both partners' agreement, or of some family pressure? What are their mutual preferences, and how often do they use social media?
“There are extremely few chances that a marital conflict would emerge in their relationship in the future if they discover satisfying answers to these questions at the right moment.” He says
Sajad adds “Couples should consider seeking marriage counseling to identify the root cause of their problems and work on improving their marital relationship instead of opting for separation.”
POST DIVORCE
A study conducted by Muzamil Jan and Asma Hyder at Kashmir University revealed that divorce brought about numerous social, economic, cultural, and psychological challenges for women in
Kashmir. The survey included 600 divorcees from rural and urban Kashmir. The study finds, 38.3% of divorcees in rural regions and 37.4% in urban areas felt sad about their current marital status, while only 13.3% in rural and 15.3% in urban felt proud. Similarly, 51.7% of divorcees in rural regions and 51.3% in urban areas felt a sense of carelessness.
Remarriage remains tough because of prejudices against a divorcee. “Marriage in our society is a proper enterprise. A lot of passion, money, and social capital are put into this venture. Remaining in a relationship cannot be enforced. Ultimately, it is an emotional bond." Prof. Shahnawaz says. We should make sacrifices where they are justified and worth it. If, despite efforts, it doesn’t work, we should let it go.
Jozey continues, "Even after divorce, my ex-husband can dream of a good wife who is unmarried and from a well-to-do family, but I have to face the social stigma of being a divorced lady." To achieve a second marriage, I must sacrifice my ideals.
WAY AHEAD
Marriage is not a hurried decision; it’s a lifelong commitment, a devotional act, not a mere civil contract. Choosing a life partner in haste may be a half-hearted suicide attempt. It is important to take time to understand ourselves and our potential partners.
“It is better to remain single than to enter into a failed marriage that disrupts our peace and, in some cases, our lives. A financially secure marriage does not ensure a happy marriage. Rushing into marriage without knowing our partners and the responsibilities involved leads to innumerable failed marriages, impacting the entire societal fabric and contributing to rising mental health issues. It turns precious lives into misery and damages families irreparably.” Says Prof. Shahnawaz
The pulpits that hold the utmost responsibility for addressing societal evils have failed to address this serious matter, choosing instead to remain silent. Let’s delve and reflect on what makes marriages successful and happy. A happy family is the cornerstone of a thriving society.