Help! My phone is stalking me!

I have a confession to make. I’m a technophile. In today’s social climate, the “phile” suffix would suggest that I letch at little electronic devices and touch them inappropriately, and that, disturbingly enough, is true. Just like most men of this generation, my smartphone is my life. Every waking moment spent without it is an agony that can only be further compounded by watching Rahul Gandhi speak. I love my phone. Sometimes, I wonder why I even needed an actual woman to get married. But things are starting to change. My phone has started stalking me.

It’s crazy how much my phone knows about me. It knows who I talk to, where I go, what I like, how I travel. That would be acceptable if it didn’t make snarky deductions based on my browsing history. Last weekend, after Manchester City won the Premier League title, my phone subtly suggested I switch allegiances from Manchester United by sending me links to the Manchester City membership page. Just yesterday, it started giving me alerts about where I had parked my car. I’ve only ever been told where my car is by my building watchmen. I halfexpected my phone to even start opening the car door for me and asking for chai-paani with a paan- stained grin. It’s only a matter of time.

Life without my phone is insufferable, but these new patterns are scary. There’s shades of George Orwell’s 1984 and I and Robot to what I’m going through. Could my phone one day turn on me and sell me out to Big Brother over an unsavoury Google search? Could it take over my life and enslave me? I need to switch to a phone that couldn’t be bothered about stalking me. Anyone know where the nearest Nokia store is?