‘Understand their emotional state and the power dynamics’

QI am a 55-year-old man. I had a second marriage five years ago. I have two daughters from my previous marriage but they aren’t as accepting of her or her teenage son. I understand that it was very awkward for my daughters to accept her, but how do I help break the ice? They are very formal to her, and treat her like an outsider. I have seen my wife make a few attempts, but it has been of no use. My daughters are adults and I don’t want to force anything on them. But how do I ask them to get along?

It can be very difficult for your adult daughters to accept your wife in the place of their biological mother. Whatever your reasons for remarriage, children (young or adult) will not be able to see your point of view. Loyalty to their own parent will make it difficult for them to see your love for another woman, who they could consider as a home wrecker.

Be it divorce or death, your daughters may still be healing from the loss of their mother, while they could be angry that you have moved on. They may feel lonely and abandoned. Your daughters may not have accepted the fact that their parents’ marriage ended, and hence would resist their step mom. In rejecting their step mother, they feel not only powerful but also loyal to their own mother, with the idea that no one can take her place. Indeed, children hold the power in the family system as you and your new wife are seeking their approval.

Understand their emotional state and the power dynamics that are in play, which come unwittingly because of their own fears. Do not push your daughters to accept your wife. Ensure they behave respectfully towards her, even though they may not like her. Try to be more responsive to their emotional and financial needs. Do not let them guilt trip you but be more practical as remarriage is your choice and not theirs and they will take time to accept the situation.