THE EX AND THE WHYS
Does a relationship need to be bitter even when the two people involved have moved on? Relationship experts weigh in
Recently, when Bipasha Basu liked her husband Karan Singh Grover’s ex-wife Jennifer Winget’s picture on Instagram, it sent their collective fan bases oohing and aahing. But Jennifer dubbed it a sweet gesture of a current partner being on good terms with the latter’s exes. B-Town has seen its fair share of cordial relationships with even Ranbir Kapoor and Ranveer Singh being pally, despite the latter dating Deepika Padukone currently. But outside of the glamorous reel, can you stay amicable with your partner’s ex?
Consulting psychologist Kinjal Pandya thinks it is a delicate situation that should be handled with care. The first step, she says, is to ensure that you are in a secure relationship and that your partner feels the same way. “The two people in the relationship need to be extremely confident about themselves and their relationship. In such cases, insecurity often ends up creating messy scenarios,” she says, adding that it helps when your partner and the ex in question, both have moved on.
Priya Kumar, life coach, also agrees that this sort of an equation can only be maintained if and when the people involved are all in happy places. “When your relationship is secure, comfortable and the ex also has also moved on in her/his life, you can attempt to initiate a friendship,” she suggests.
Kinjal also says that outside of the relationship, one needs to be openminded enough to extend a hand of friendship. “It is all about giving positive vibes. You completely understand something went wrong in the past, but you don’t want it to hinder your present,” she says.
But even as you are taking steps towards a cordial, more than civil equation, you should proceed with caution. “You don’t want to go overboard with the friendliness. Keep your relationship like the one you would have with an acquaintance. You don’t want to get too close and compare their past and your present. It might lead to murkier situations,” says Priya. Kinjal also advises against the building of a deeper bond. “Keep it straightforward and uncomplicated. A greeting during social gatherings and light banter won’t harm anyone. But, if you get together outside of the knowledge of your partner and compare notes, then not just your relationship, but your newfound friendship will also be in jeopardy.” While both believe that such a relationship is possible with time, they can’t stress on the distance factor enough. “It would seem very bizarre and schematic if you go out of your way to please the ex-partner and form a bond. Remember that your present relationship is more important than a civil rapport with the ex,” Priya concludes.
In such cases, insecurity often ends up creating messy scenarios — KINJAL PANDYA, consulting psychologist