In bright, sparkling cities, loneliness claiming more lives than ever before
IN BRIGHT, SPARKLING CITIES WHERE PEOPLE RACE THROUGH PACKED DAYS AND LIVE SEEMINGLY PICTURE- PERFECT LIVES, A GIANT SILENT KILLER IS CLAIMING MORE VICTIMS THAN EVER BEFORE — URBAN LONELINESS
Peter has a great job that’s the envy of many, a loving family with parents and a sibling, a large set of friends — some distant, some close. To the outside world, Peter ( name changed) seems to have it all. A wholesome, happy life. But in rare candid moments when he opens up and bares his heart, Peter admits that he feels a void inside and is unhappy. “I am lonely, despite all this. There is no one who truly understands what I feel. I am unable to find any human connection that truly resonates with my soul.” And it’s not quite the lack of a life- partner that is causing this loneliness. “Maybe a life- partner will care for me like no other and maybe for some time I’ll forget this pain but it runs deeper than that I feel,” says the 29- year- old. Peter is one among many urban people who feel a void in their lives that nothing is able to fill. Is he depressed? “No, I am not. I am just lonely and that makes me sad,” he says. Loneliness comes in many forms in our concrete jungles and while Peter feels alone in the crowd, there are others who can’t find their perfect crowd itself.
Urban loneliness is staring us deeper in the eye with every passing day. And there is no denying it any more. Everyone is expected to be living an Insta- perfect ‘ happy’ life, and anything short of that is not okay, forcing people to hide their true feelings and put up a great but false front. And it is not only from a point of being alone and depressed that urban loneliness is emerging. It is easy to club loneliness with depression, and many mistakenly confuse the two. Way back in 1980s, researchers John L. Michela, Letitia Anne Peplau and Martin E. Bragg established that the two are separate.
The fake exuberant ‘ top of the world’ culture is taking a heavy toll on people — Dr Niru Kumar
In their article titled ‘ Relation between loneliness and depression: A structural equation analysis,’ published in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, they wrote that while loneliness and depression can go hand in hand, it is possible for people to be lonely but not depressed, or depressed but not lonely or be neither of the two. While loneliness is a feeling of not being able to belong, which can lead to sadness; depression is an overall feeling of hopelessness and sadness. Loneliness is a feeling associated with our relationships with people while depression is a general sense of feeling about everything.
Loneliness has many forms and many causes. We take a look at what is pushing urban- dwellers deeper and deeper into this state of being.
EMOTIONAL VACUUM
A Delhi- based Bengali journalist, whose dak naam is Babui, lives alone in the city. “When I go back home it is just the lizard on the wall staring back at me. There is a limit to the number of evenings one can spend listening to music.”
Babui, who used to live with his mother in Pune, lost her in 2010. “I found that I don’t have anyone else. My world was all about my mother who was very sick. I used to look after her, go to work and come back. It is after her death that I realised that I have no life beyond her. I didn’t have any friends to talk to. Gradually, I started learning to spend time in my own company. But at the end of the day you need a human being, face to face — to converse, to share and exchange thoughts. Loneliness slowly took hold of me and pushed me to a point where I felt I should die. I wanted to commit suicide. I decided to shift to Delhi as the girl I wanted to marry lived here,” he recalls. But the girl didn’t accept his marriage proposal, and Babui has since not thought of getting married again.
Babui tried to deal with his loneliness by indulging in his hobbies and searching for that occasional great conversation, which too is hard to come most often. On the other hand, there is Priya ( name changed), a 30- year- old model who travels all across the country on work, has a string of lovers at her beck and call, and a social media presence that looks professionally worked upon. But just like Peter, she can’t find that sense of belonging. She feels emotionally adrift, empty. “I have chosen this glamorous life and there is no turning back for now. I guess I am paying the price. All these high- end brands, fancy parties and high society people are a part of my job. Deep down I am a very simple person and it’s not easy to reveal that, instead one needs to put up a different front. A constant feeling of loneliness has set in,” she says.
STRESS & ISOLATION
Most urbanites have their plate full of problems and pressures of various kinds, and an urban setting is quite capable of constantly tossing a handful more to the heap. So is the lack of social support systems leading to isolation? Are fastpaced lifestyles and professional anxieties further isolating us? Being alone doesn’t mean being lonely, says life coach Ravneet Gandhok. “Urban loneliness is steadily growing. In an urge to be ahead of others and to earn a better living, people are living alone, away from pals and family.
It is true that man is a social being and to be happy needs to live in a society, but when that social engagement and bonhomie doesn’t happen, it leads to sadness and loneliness. In urban culture, nobody wants neighbours or others interfering, and this isolated living slowly leads to depression, sadness and other psychological disorders. The only way to get rid of this loneliness is to make friends, meet people and enjoy life which now happens to extend only to Facebook and other social platforms,” she adds.
SOCIAL MEDIA & FAKING HAPPINESS
Social media has pushed us to the verge of faking happiness, often forcing us to hide our true selves from the world. Corporate consultant and mental health professional, Dr Niru Kumar says, “The fake exuberant ‘ top of the world’ culture is taking a heavy toll on people of all ages, but mostly on the 20- 45 age group. Your success, networking and opportunities seem to depend on how ‘ picture perfect’ you paint your life to be.”
“This leads to lack of authenticity and community support. Loneliness is bound to happen. There is enough research showing that community sharing and support leads to well being and ability to overcome big hurdles. The absence of this is a big reason for increasing number of cases of not only depression and anxiety but other physical conditions like hypertension, diabetes etc. In fact, it is almost like a fear of being found out. Found out that your relationship is not going well, or your child is having problems in school. Instead of getting support for it, one is guilty and has to expend so much energy to hide it,” she adds.
COMMUNITY SPIRIT
Artist and author Bulbul Sharma who has lived both in the big city and a small hilly village, shares that in villages the community spirit is very strong and every person is treated like a member of one’s extended family. “This happens because people need to help each other during harvest season, and also during any crisis the entire village comes out to stand by your side.
Life in the cities is about getting ahead, getting richer and racing with your neighbour to buy a bigger car/ apartment/ TV. There is no time to stop and smell the roses — BULBUL SHARMA, artist, author Making friends and enjoying life now extends only to Facebook and other social platforms