To marry or not to marry

Marriages are a beautiful union only if both the partners are convinced that’s what they want

Visualise this. He was at that stage now in his job and career that to him it appeared that marriage was organically the next step in the course of life. But she was not so certain. They were both very much in love — their happiest time was when they were with each other — so he couldn’t understand her indecisions around the topic. Often, they got into long states of contention. From her point of view, they had it all — he lived alone and they shared their time, some very good times, too. Yet, to her, marriage seemed a little premature. She loved her job and she wanted to get her foot on the right rung — on the ladder to her career’s advancement. And she was certain she could not get there with the domestic responsibilities that came with a marriage. Home and hearth could surely wait a bit, couldn’t it? But she needed his understanding though he was clear they should get on with building a life together. Finally, to avoid unpleasant arguments and in the hope of a happy resolution to the issue, she gave in. However, since she relented and they got married, she has been torn between the demands of her career and her loyalty to her love, and he is equally dissatisfied with the way things have been panning out. Things finally came to a head and the blame game began. Now, they wonder if their marriage has failed.

An observer may objectively see the faults at play here. It lay in the pressures precipitated by a situation that would have otherwise been a naturally happy joining together of two people in love — maybe later than the man in the story wanted, but one that would have ended surely in a happier union, had he let the relationship grow organically. Pressure. Most of us Indians encounter this undesirable element in our lives — especially when our parents get into that mode of incessantly coercing their kids (more often the daughters though even sons now) of ‘marriageable age’ to ‘settle down’. The situation could even be triggered in the relationship by the man, as in our story, or the woman, as in many cases.

An obsessed man or a woman demanding commitment is an important issue that needs to be addressed

However, no matter who sets in the pressure, the happily everafters are hardly ever happy after that.

So too, I would urge anyone — man or woman — in such a situation not to cave in under pressure. If it is an anxious mother keen on her daughter to ‘settle down’ or a father who wishes his son to ‘start his life’ and take on the responsibilities sooner, it is best for the son or daughter to work towards making the senior understand the right age and time for ‘settling down’ with another is when you are both ready for it.

Of course, the reasons of not marrying can be many — careers, more satisfying sex, less moral judgement, or even simple things like not having a suitable home-space. But remember, we are after all, living in the times of the frozen eggs and in vitro fertilisation of sperm. Surely, they can come to the ‘rescue of couples’ when the partners are believed to have passed their ‘golden’ reproductive age, if need be.

But societal pressures aside, an obsessed man or a woman demanding commitment is just as important an issue that needs to be addressed. To begin with, it is not even right to badger a person into a decision on something like matrimony, which should be a matter of consensual agreement. Even when one partner swings things in his or her favour and pushes the partner into marriage, the aftermath has lopsided power games, with one of the parties feeling more superior. After the action is taken and the pressure settles, the resentment that seeps in would unfurl the dismantling of the love that once was.

So, it is best if the partners came to a consensus about getting married. After all, when it is consensual, a marriage is beautiful and attractive—a special bond and a magical journey of two souls bound as one.

THE GLITCHES OF PRESSURE TACTICS