Male chauvinism to the fore again
An recent advertisement was posted by a man on a matrimonial site, seeking a bride who is 5'2" to 5'6" tall, with a bust size of 32b to 32c! — He had other specifications too. The ad has left women aghast but many agree that most men, young or old, have the same ‘crude’ mindset.
The boy, from the Agarwal community even specified the ideal size of his prospective bride’s feet: 6-7. Not content with putting down physical criteria, he said the woman should be conservative but also liberal, fun but down-toearth, and ‘be into wearing costumes in bed’. He wanted her to love dogs, have no children, and be “anywhere between 18 to 26 years old.”
While the man was trolled heavily, many will agree that most men have a similar mindset. Check any matrimonial site. They want a wife who is good looking but simple, gets along with his family and also fits in with his partying style, dresses smartly... and what not. Will men never change? Experts share their views.
— DR. CHIRAG BHANDARI, Founder-Director of the Institute of Andrology and Sexual Health
“MEN HAVE BEEN BROUGHT UP TO BELIEVE THAT THE IDEAL GIRL SHOULD LOOK BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT. SUCH IDEAS HAVE BEEN CEMENTED BY MOVIES AND THE MEDIA. THESE NOTIONS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE, BUT GOING INTO SPECIFICS TO THIS EXTENT IS NOT JUSTIFIED AND NEEDS TO STOP” — DR. NAAZNEEN LADAK, A MUMBAI-BASED
PSYCHIATRIST
THE MALE MINDSET
PR Professional Pallavi Taylor says the advertisement made her blood boil. “What if women started specifying sizes of body parts of their prospective partners in matrimonial ads?” she asks. It seems as if a section of men wants only a “slim, beautiful” wife. A major reason is the ideals that are ingrained in them since childhood. “Men have been brought up to believe that the ideal girl should look beautiful and perfect. Such ideas have been cemented by movies and the media. These notions have always been there, but going into specifics to this extent is not justified and needs to stop,” notes Dr. Naazneen Ladak, a leading Mumbai-based Psychiatrist.
CONTROLLING BEHAVIOUR
Also, though Indian men feel the women that they want in their lives have to fulfill certain criteria, most fail to match those criteria when it comes to themselves, Dr Naazneen says.
HR professional Sonali Khanna (name changed) says, “my husband expects me to keep him in
“IN MY PRACTICE, I HAVE ENCOUNTERED MANY MEN WHO CONSIDER A WOMAN’S PHYSICAL APPEARANCE AN IMPORTANT FACTOR IN CHOOSING A LIFE PARTNER. THIS OBSESSION OVER LOOKS AND FIGURE IS RELATED TO SOCIAL MEDIA, WHICH PLAYS AN IMPORTANT ROLE IN PROMOTING UNREALISTIC BEAUTY STANDARDS. THE OBJECTIFICATION OF WOMEN BY PHOTOSHOPPING, AIRBRUSHING, AND EDITING PHOTOS INCREASES MEN’S UNREALISTIC DESIRES.”
the loop wherever I go. I feel stifled that he keeps close tabs on me, but when I try to do the same to him, he becomes agitated.”
Men do not want to be controlled by women. “They wish to do all sorts of things without their wives' knowledge, but their wives behaving ‘liberally’ is a nightmare for them. Over-possessive men are toxic,” feels Life Coach Sheetal Shaparia.
COMMON CONCERNS
Several people have voiced their concerns about the advertisement
within their social groups. Dr. Chirag Bhandari, FounderDirector of the Institute of Andrology and Sexual Health, says, “In my practice, I have encountered many men who consider a woman’s physical appearance an important factor in choosing a life partner. I believe that this obsession over looks and figure is somehow related to social media, which plays an important role in promoting unrealistic beauty standards. The objectification of women by photoshopping, airbrushing, and editing photos increases men's unrealistic desires.”
Sumir Nagar of Sumir The Seeker says, “you would be surprised how many such people are out there. This is something very common. I have personally witnessed such abhorrent ideas among people I have encountered. Look in every bar, pub, club, coffee shop, and you will find hordes of such people.”
Nikhil Sharma, a young graduate, agrees with this assessment. “In my friends circle I have a couple of guys who are constantly talking of the ‘kind’ of woman they want to marry.”
EMPOWERMENT CUES
There is nothing normal about the commercialization of the human body or female sexuality. Devina Kaur, inspirational speaker, author, and Founder, Sexy Brilliant, says, “How far are we Indians willing to accept the patriarchal society? We are at the precipice of a change, but first we must hit rock bottom. We, as a society, must collapse. Only then can we transform into a society that respects both men and women equally.”
While financial status is not necessarily the cause, there are men who feel superior due to their wealth and come with a mindset that they can have anything they want.
So, what is the answer? Piya Banerjee, Founder, Grey Matters Wellness and Consultant Psychologist, says, “while each one of us is entitled to our preferences in choosing a partner, it is imperative that we remain respectful in regard to the way we express those preferences.”
In conclusion, let us ask ourselves one question — If a woman had put out an advertisement with the measurements of her ideal partner, what would the reaction have been?