UK needs to get its act together

Here in Oslo no one cares. But in Berlin and Paris they are secretly delighted. Many in London are also pleased, for the natives believe they are dealing a decisive blow to their ancient hereditary enemies. What the British, Germans and French don’t realise is that Britain’s exit from the European Union can be cutting the nose to spite the face for all of them.

The Norwegians are not involved because they are half in and half out of the EU. My Schengen visa, which Britain doesn’t recognise, allowed me to fly into Oslo. But the euros I bought for Paris and which are valid in 27 continental European countries, are not accepted here. Only the Norwegian kroner is. In that Norway is like Britain which also jealously retains its sterling currency. Now, Britain hopes for a relationship with the EU that is analogous to Norway’s but of course a more advantageous one. So, while the Germans and the French are delighted at the prospect of getting rid of the British, Britain sees itself as a special country, deserving of special terms of partnership.

What the British don’t realise is that many of the institutions in which they take great pride arouse only contempt and ridicule among foreigners. One is the national carrier, British Airways, which has become even more a byword for inefficiency and incompetence than Air India. The other is the United Kingdom Border Agency which provides the immigration service whose officers check passports at all ports of entry. Both arouse derision. If they define Britain, the EU will be well rid of its member across the English Channel.

A lifelong anglophile like this writer does not enjoy having to level such charges at a country that still boasts pools of unmatched excellence. Some of these deserve to be mentioned. The British Library is a treasure trove of knowledge, its dedicated staff god’s gift to researchers. The smaller borough libraries dotted all over the country are equally prized, although in a different league. Money alone cannot buy the dignified comfort of the gentlemen’s clubs in Pall Mall and St James’. The West End theatre, exhibitions at the Victoria &Albert Museum and the National Gallery, the Tate Modern’s bizarre charm, even Trafalgar Square throbbing with protest, make London, where 200 languages are spoken, uniquely attractive. Beyond London lies the beauty of the green and tranquil English countryside and the warm hospitality of the people who live there.

But there are serious flaws. One probable reason why I feel so comfortable in Britain is that its infrastructure often seems as creaking as India’s. Heathrow airport’s baggage handling system ran amok last week, with the authorities unable to guarantee that luggage would either be delivered in time or at the right destination. When a longdistance train was diverted in the Midlands, the station official blamed privatisation. The trains belong to one company, he grumbled, stations to another. How could they be expected to coordinate? London’s underground has become notoriously unreliable. London buses give no explanation for suddenly ending journeys long before the official destination. People have become so used to these discomforts that are unknown in Paris, Berlin or Oslo that hardly anyone grumbles.

One did last week, but he had returned to his motherland from Canada where things work. “This is a nightmare!” muttered the man next to me when our bus bound for Kings Cross announced it would stop at Tottenham Court Road. He wanted a transfer ticket to continue by underground without paying more but the driver said he could get it only when the bus journey actually ended. Not before. “Nightmare!” he muttered again because the enormous glass walls of the smart new Routemaster bus allowed no ventilation and heated up like a furnace in the sizzling summer.

There was a mad scramble at Heathrow’s Terminal 5 one Sunday when thousands of BA passengers couldn’t check in. The computers weren’t working. One irate passenger compared it to “a Third World domestic airport.” Kanpur perhaps, or Bagdogra? BA pleaded it was upgrading its systems. “What are you upgrading to – Windows 2.1?!!!” was the sarcastic query by a popular TV presenter, Philip Schofield, who missed his flight. “Not one single member of staff to talk to @ BA” he tweeted.

I suffered a similar trauma the previous week. Flying BA to Paris, the plane was about three hours late in taking off from London. The pilot casually mentioned the few minutes of light drizzle by way of explanation but that didn’t prevent any other aircraft from taking off. In any case, the check-in counter had already warned me of some mechanical defect in the plane. Poor maintenance is a recurring theme with BA. I didn’t worry too much because it was daylight and Deep, my son, was waiting at Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris.

It was far worse returning to London three days later. We were supposed to take off from Paris at 9.00 pm. We boarded the plane but the pilot announced after an agonising wait that the computers weren’t speaking to each other. Obviously, BA tries to make up in wit what it lacks in efficiency, integrity and sound maintenance. We were herded out after some time, but Paris isn’t Singapore or Dubai where stranded passengers can relax in comfort. We sat in upright chairs until after midnight when the flight did take off finally, and missed France’s foreign minister calling his new British counterpart a liar.

You would expect BA to serve some dinner to passengers who had been hanging about the airport for five or six hours. Nothing doing. The cost and courtesy would both have been beyond the airline’s competence. Worse lay ahead. It was well past midnight when we reached London. Customs had closed. Buses and trains had gone to sleep. There wasn’t any public transport in sight. I had to hire a taxi from Heathrow to Earls Court at enormous expense. The solitary BA official on duty refused to accept any responsibility. “We used to provide transport,” he explained, “but EU rules don’t allow it!” I wonder what excuse BA will trot out when that crutch goes.

Border Agency added the insult of dumb insolence and verbal impertinence to the injury of that ordeal. Some British immigration officers hark back to the age when they marched chanting “Six, seven, eight/ We shall not integrate!” in protest against Commonwealth – Asian, African and West Indian – immigration. Their sour surliness makes arrival in Britain an unpleasant experience.

After recent travels in Portugal, Spain, France and now Norway, I must reluctantly admit that airlines, airports and immigration behave far more responsibly in continental Europe. Sad end of a dream though it is, there is no reason why Britain’s appalling services should drag down the EU’s record.

Britain was once the hallmark of excellence worldwide. It must regain at least something of that standard before it can be taken seriously by others.

WHAT the British don’t realise is that many of the institutions in which they take great pride arouse only contempt and ridicule among foreigners.