We lily-white North Indians
Former RSS mouthpiece editor Tarun Vijay has a squishy crestfallen appearance these days as if he is perhaps the most misunderstood person on this side of the Vindhyas.
Gazing at his ‘black’ shoes with a twinge of self pity and then at his starched ‘white’ shirt with a touch of pride, Tarun delved into his thesis on ‘these Madrasis’ – the absolute jet black variety – with the enthusiasm of an overgrown schoolboy.
“They have nothing to worry about, as redemption is finally at hand,” he declared with aplomb. “We will reclaim them soon from years of bondage to the wrong gods and goddesses, the wrong food and, of course, the wrong fairness cream...We have been trying to civilise them since one of our great kings crossed the Vindhyas while on exile; it is a different matter that he got distracted by such mundane matters as his wife’s abduction,” explained Vijay. Since then, these Dravidians have been assiduously dodging us with the pious members of the RSS in hot pursuit.
“See, how we tried teaching them Hindi, a measure of our infinite kindness, but they rebuffed us,” added the former Rajya Sabha MP warming up to his theme. “Still, we embraced them as if they were indeed our first cousins; we even started eating idli and sambhar in solidarity, and always had a word of praise for the Chettinad chicken; such is our indulgence, we took up jobs in their so-called IT hubs; some of us have even married their women – there is this guy Dharmendra you might have heard of – just plain good old charity,” said Vijay as he stuffed his mouth with rava
dosa. He continued in the same vein as he dusted his arm with talcum powder, “However, some ignoramuses have suggested that we North Indians have an aversion to the colour black, in view of our lily white school girl complexion. Nothing could be further from truth: consider for an instant our fondness for black money, black marketing, black SUVs, Black Label and the like...of course, not necessarily in that order.”
History will vouch that it was because of our pre-occupation with such pristine matters as imposition of Hindi and the need to change the culinary habits down South that we did not partake in the movement against British imperialism. We did not even notice that the Tricolour was never hoisted at the saffron headquarters (until recently). “But now, in all fairness – a quality that we have probably imbibed from our fair skinned Caucasian ancestors – it is time our first cousins paid us back for our magnanimity,” Tarun said with a degree of finality as he poured himself some filter coffee.“Our hazel eyes are a proof of our Caucasian lineage and racial superiority. Also, unlike the indigenous people of the Indian sub-continent we do not have unsavoury habits like relieving ourselves on the roadside, picking our noses or poking ourselves in all the wrong places,” concluded Vijay as he sipped his coffee.
“In fact, we regard refusal to poke ourself as concluding evidence of our racial superiority...”
Over to the Madrasi – but only the jet black variety.
POSTSCRIPT: In fitness of things, one must document the viewpoint prevailing down South. I hereby reproduce a statement circulating on Whatsapp put out by Ramachandra Aluri, Associate Editor of the mass-circulated Mathrubhumi daily. Describing himself as a devout Malayali Hindu, the writer says: “We, Hindus of Kerala, don’t worship cows as mothers. You will rather find bulls in Shiva temples here as stars. For us, Sabarimala and Guruvayoor mean a lot more than Haridwar or Ayodhya. Our major festivals are Onam and Vishu, not Diwali or Navaratri. We don’t celebrate Holi, Bhai Dooj, Karwa Chauth or Rakhi. Christmas and Eid are pretty much part of our lives. Some ardent religious Keralites are vegetarians and a few others by choice. Most of us eat beef, chicken, mutton, duck and all sort of other meats. Fish is essentially a part of Kerala cuisine. Just because some Northies worship beef, don't expect us to give up beef...”