Keep control, and don’t let go

DR SHRIRANG BAKHLE shows how some people have the habit of engaging in emotional outburst that aren’t proportional to the problem

AN-OUT-OF-PROPORTION EMOTIONAL REACTION IS A HALLMARK OF MANY DISORDERS SUCH AS DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, PHOBIAS OR ANGER PROBLEMS.

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iss. N. was getting ready for the big party in her college. She had planned her dress since many days. On the day, she took out the dress. And, oops! There was a big hole in the front of the dress. All hell broke loose. Panic, bomb-blasts, threat of revenge, crying, national record for fastest emptying of the entire cupboard – all elements of high drama present!

The big question is: Is such an intense emotional outburst proportional to the degree of the problem? Is it too much? The question is: Is it a scratch-level problem or a fracturelevel problem of a heart attack-level problem?

All of us go through several small and big problems every day. And as a result, we keep on getting various emotions in various intensities. We naturally expect that each emotion should be proportional to the magnitude of the problem. This is especially true for the unhappy emotions: Sadness, fear and anger. Happiness is different. A little plus or minus of happiness does not make much difference. But excess of sadness, fear or anger makes a lot of difference for the person - and for the people around.

One important part of ‘growing up’ is responding with a proper intensity of emotion. For example, consider a tiny tot. He is playing with a toy happily. Another child (or even an adult with a naughty intention) comes and snatches the toy. The child starts crying at the top of his voice – with the maximum intensity the child can muster! It is obvious that the intensity of the emotional reaction is quite out of proportion to the degree of the problem. As children ‘grow up’, they come know that it is not a life and death problem. So, they realize that it is not a ‘heart attack grade’ problem or even a ‘fracture grade problem’ – but only a ‘scratch grade’ one.

This scale of ‘scratch – fracture – heart attack’ is very useful to grade one’s problems. Most of the times, we don’t have an easy scale available for judging how severe a problem is. Every person feels that the problem s/he is going through is the worst type of unbearable problem that anyone can ever face. The issue may be anything: breakup of a couple, pimples of a teenager, failure in an exam, losing a wallet of a few thousand rupees or insult by an office colleague and so on. When a person becomes emotional, the problem seems unbearable. And hence the intensity of the emotion seems justified.

This is one peculiar property of the mind: often, we judge the severity of a problem by looking at the emotional reaction it has generated – and not by objectively looking at the severity of the problem. Listen to someone describing ‘how insulting the behavior of a colleague was’. If you observe that the person is feeling deeply hurt and emotional, you are likely to conclude that the insult was indeed terrible. However, if the person was not emotional while describing the insult, you are likely to conclude that the insult was not so bad. The point to be noted is that the emotional reaction can vary – depending on whether the person was already depressed or not etc. So, the emotional reaction of a depressed person can be excessive or out of proportion to the severity of the problem.

In such situations, our scale of ‘scratch – fracture – heart attack’ becomes very useful to objectively understand how bad the problem is. Then we can tone down our emotional response to the appropriate level.

The brave and calm people typically show a more controlled or less severe emotional reaction – even when facing

a serious problem. They don’t panic or start crying or blow up with anger when faced with – even heart attack level problems. Their calmness helps them to face the situation better. This is a great asset.

But showing a less emotional reaction can be troublesome, too. Suppose, a wife is telling the husband about some ‘terrible’ problem that she had. Now, if the husband remains calm and less emotional, the wife may think that the husband is a heartless person who does not care for her problems. In such situations an appropriately intense emotional response is necessary. An-out-of-proportion emotional reaction is a hallmark of many disorders such as depression, anxiety, phobias or anger problems. For example, consider blood phobia. Whenever a person, who has this problem, sees blood s/he emotionally reacts as if a most terrifying event has happened – sometimes leading to fainting. Stage fright troubles so many people. It an out of proportion fear related to some possible negative comments by the audience.

If such a person applies the ‘scratch – fracture – heart attack’ scale to the problem, s/he will realize that it is only a scratch level problem. This scale has helped so many people. You can also try it.