Problems Galore Working It Out
I am a 19-year-old female, currently in my second year at a reputed university. My best friend in college who is also my roommate has been displaying some erratic behaviour recently. She was recently rejected by a guy she really liked and this has led her to be depressed. Due to this she has been drinking excessively and making sexual advances towards me, despite me telling her that I am not interested, this has happened several times and she has also confessed that she loves me. I always make sure I put her to bed when she is so drunk. However, the morning after these events usually occur, she claims to not remember what happened or have blacked out, before I can bring it up and confront her. She is my best friend and I care about her a lot but I am concerned for her mental health and subsequently mine too, as her actions are borderline abusive. Please tell me how I should deal with this situation.
■ Ans: Your personal safety is important in this scenario as your mental health is getting affected in the process. Intervention of professional help is important as she is being abusive towards you and somewhere misusing the friendship. Her parents can be involved at this stage since her drinking habits may pose a danger in the long run. You can request for a change of accommodation in case of things worsening further. Even if she claims not to remember at least state your discomfort so that she realises that things do happen when she is drunk and forgetfulness on her part can’t undo certain things she says or does.
Bitter ‘time’ tales
I am a 25-year-old female, and I have been in a long-distance relationship for the past two and a half years. My partner is the most considerate, loving and kind person I know. He has faced depression for the past few years , and at the beginning of our relationship, I felt like I helped him feel better as I spent all my time talking to him over the phone and being in contact with him 24/7. However over the course of time, as I got busier with academic work, I had lesser time to spend with him over the phone or via texting, I still talk to him every day but I find that he is upset and feels lonely now that I am unable to spend all my time with him. As a result, I feel he is resentful towards me at times, and absolutely hates it when I spend time with my friends, or take a trip with them, which in turn makes me feel guilty and sad.We have talked about these issues and I have tried to arrive at a balance in our relationship, by compromising some of the things I like to do that upset him, however nothing seems to make him feel better. Please tell me what I can do to placate him and at the same time not feel sad myself.
■ Ans: The blurring of roles in this relationship i.e. you are being his girlfriend and his counsellor is somewhere causing a conflict in your boyfriend as well. It is important to draw certain lines and assume the role of a girlfriend in the relationship rather than being there for him as a constant support when he is down or feels low. This might lead to dependency which may not be healthy and you are already experiencing the strain by feeling guilty if you spend time by yourself or for yourself. You can suggest for him to meet a professional to help him deal with his depression and support him throughout the process. This helps you both live independent lives while sharing a comfortable interdependent relationship.
Status matters
I am a 16-year-old girl and I study at an international school.We all come from affluent backgrounds and don’t really have a limit on our spending.There is so much pressure at school with my peers to show off how much wealth you have and how cool you are. My classmates spend money on the most ridiculous things like gold plated bags, luxury ice cubes and branded stationary. My parents are very rich but have always made sure that my sister and I know our limit and don’t indulge our excesses. I agree wholeheartedly with them when it comes to wasteful spending on such items. But my peers don’t see it that way and think that I am ‘weird’ for having such an ideology. My mind is always being pulled in 2 different directions- the rational part will tell me not to buy it and the other one that wants approval will make sure I buy it. Please help me deal with this as I don’t know what to do.
■ Ans: The avoid-approach conflict might often result in you being disappointed with your choice in the end. Being under peer pressure and buying things you don’t like might just add on to the guilt. Thus, rather than being a follower of what your friends do with their parent’s money, you may initiate to start a trend of spending wisely by maybe starting a drive for the street animals or creating awareness programs for various issues. These are just a few activities to name. In order to show your social standing, you need not buy high bags or phones, rather give the validation to yourself than being dependent on others for doing so. At the same time don’t deprive yourself of certain essential things just because they are expensive and you end up feeling guilty.
Falling for senior
I am a 21-year-old girl, and I am currently interning at a big law firm. I am in love with the Senior partner of the firm, he’s married and has two kids. I have been interning here for the past 6 months, and he has frequently made passes and advances at me, but I have managed to stir clear of them, but recently it has become hard for me to resist him, and ignore his advances. I don’t want this situation to get messy but I am finding it harder and harder to stop these feelings. Please help me.
■ Ans: The distinction needs to be made regarding your feelings towards him: love/infatuation/lust. In case of any confusion or doubts regarding your feelings towards him might jeopardise things for you. Once the clarity sets in, talking to the person might help you know what are his intentions and whether or not both of you are on same page. The feelings have to be given a proper channel to express as trying to stop them might be detrimental to your own mental wellbeing.
Longing for a promotion
I am 36-year-old woman. I have been working at the same firm for the past 7 years, and for a long time I have really enjoyed working here and given it my all. In the past year, I have worked very hard and was guaranteed a promotion by my then boss. However, my boss had to leave the company because the son of the company’s owner was going to take over his position. My new boss is extremely young and inexperienced, and has not acted on my promotion yet, whenever I bring it up; he shrugs it off, and tells me that he hasn’t seen me do any work that deserves promotion. I am extremely frustrated as I have worked way too hard to get where I am, and I don’t know what to do. Please help. ■ Ans: You can request for a job review and bring into your boss's notice about the quality of work PIC: SLATE.COM done by you so far. Despite your efforts if you do not receive enough appreciation then looking out for better job offers could be an option. Your hard work need not be put on hold just because the current boss is not extending that validation. If you believe in your hard work and capabilities you can apply it at another work place and get your due. Thus, trust in your capabilities and do not hesitate to venture out if the current place doesn’t give you what you deserve.
Disrespectful employees
I am a 42-year-old man. I am the senior director at an ad agency. For over five years now my employees have been disrespecting me and disobeying my orders with an exponentially increasing intensity. I feel very insulted and helpless because they don’t take me seriously. When I talk to my superiors about this issue, they don’t seem to care either. I don’t know how to deal with this on a personal and professional level. I also don’t know what type of a leadership style would be productive in such a situation. Please guide me.
■ Ans: In order to know which type of leadership style works for you it is essential to first assess your leadership style and the flaws in it. There are leadership programs/workshops that place which helps in enhancing your skills as a leader, you can opt for such programs. Another way to create an impact could be having a frank discussion with the subordinates and hear them out. this enables a communication channel amongst you all and you might realize where you can improve based on their inputs.
When husband becomes the boss
I am a 30-year-old woman and work at my husband’s office. He is my direct supervisor. For a while now, he has been extremely unprofessional at the workplace and gives me duties that are not work related. He keeps bringing home problems to work and he yells at me about personal issues in front of our colleagues. I don’t want to create drama at work and neither do I want to leave my job or jeopardize my marriage. Can you please tell me how I can tactfully deal with this situation?
■ Ans: taking some time off from work and having a thorough conversation with your husband at the earliest might help the situation. You can then state your issues with his approach in private and both of you can work out the problems without necessarily ending in a fight. Also find out the reason for his behaviour towards you in case of any job stress that is being displaced on to you and you can be of any help in order to help him. While conversing with him also emphasise the importance of keeping work at office and coming home with a relaxed mind rather than being worked up and ruining the home environment as well.