Problems Galore Working It Out
Aftermath of breakup
My elder sister is suffering from some emotional disturbances for the past 2 years now. She was in an abusive relationship for quite a long time and finally decided to call it quit when things got bad to worse.The whole giving up on the relationship has hit her too hard for which she is still in a constant state of unhappiness. At times she gets aggressive with all of us as well. My parents are worried that she might take wrong step if she is called out for her behaviour. But I feel she needs some help on urgent basis as she is non-responsive to any of us in the family. How do I bring her in for help? ■ Ans: One of the ways in which people who have certain emotional problems express it by being aggressive about it. The aggression is usually a defense towards the conflicting feelings. To tackle this as the primary caregiver, immense patience is required. Once your sister feels comfortable that the family isn’t reacting to her anger, her reactions might start to become milder. You need her to be calmer if you have to suggest therapy or help of any kind. Also avoid direct references to seek help so as to make her more amiable towards therapy.
Bad experiences of relationship
A few years ago, I was dating a guy who was 4 years older to me. I was a minor at that time when we started dating.We were together for two and a half years within which I realised that he is suffering from some mental ailment which he refuses to accept. His behaviour would be very erratic, and he would always be abusive towards those who crossed his path. I developed fear around him and thus started distancing myself from him. He broke up with me one fine day stating he has found someone else. I couldn’t have been more happier. Recently I was asked out for a date by a close friend of mine. I really like him, but I am reluctant to give an answer as the past experience keeps haunting me. How do I stop letting this worry me? The thinking error used here is that of over generalisation of a past experience to your current life situations. Over generalisation usually limits your options in terms of considering the situation individually. Your dating experience earlier if used a parameter today, the results would be skewed. There is a need to look at this opportunity as an individual one than comparing at any level with your previous experiences. Look at how this friend makes you feel in general and whether you are comfortable pursuing a relationship beyond friendship. This directed thinking in the here and now can help take a decision based on the current circumstances. The hangout confusion
I belong to a family which is quite open minded and liberal in approach. I never misuse the liberties I have. And I also understand that other friends of mine would not be allowed for certain things. There is also a group of friends which is extremely outgoing and only interested in partying. I get confused and conflicted as to which group to hang out with as I am shy and but at the same time as being with people as well. I am not sure what to do without having to overthink about the whole thing. Is there something that I can do about it?
■ Ans: It is essential to first determine your needs in terms of being with friends and the kind of interactions you would like to have with them. The confusion that exists is probably due to lack of clarification on your part regarding which group of friends is more to your liking. Also investigate this option that whether or not your conflict exists because you have certain image to maintain or belong to a particular group to have a social standing. If you are comfortable doing both these things do so in moderation so that you can enjoy being with both the groups rather than having to make a choice.
Running away from love
Last year I went through a bad breakup. It took me a lot of effort and time to come out of that zone and I got a lot of support from people around me. I didn’t seek any psychological help during the hard time. I find myself in a better space but at the same time I feel I might not be able to fall in love ever again. I keep debating with myself about this and also call myself ‘stupid’ at times but this doesn’t help for a very long time. I am not sure if this requires psychological help or I should just let it pass? ■ Ans: Just letting it pass without addressing the underlying feelings has probably led to these feelings resurface and hit you with an intensity which is creating doubts in your mind. You have an insight about the flaws in your thought process but at times unresolved feelings might over power especially when there has been emotional connect involved in the process. It is essential to speak to someone who can point out these flaws clearly and also help you work on them as well.
Need a break from work
I work typical 9 to 5 job for the past 5 years. I have been working relentlessly and been making money as well. I have never been the one to take holidays and that has become like a tag attached to me. I am 32 years old now and recently got married (it’s been 11 months). My wife has been asking me to spend time with her and travel around. I have been so reluctant to ask for leaves as I don’t think my boss would approve of it. I am not sure why I think this way, but I think it has a lot to do with how he views me as a person. I am not sure how to strike a work life balance. I would want to keep things as neutral and normal as possible. What can I do?
■ Ans: Work life balance can get tricky if not attended to when you get initial signs of imbalance. you are noticing the changes that have happened over a period of 5 years and now that you have a personal commitment as well, things have to be differently approached. At work if you are doing your job well, completing the assignments on time, and not letting the personal life hinder the work quality, your boss would not have issue with you taking leaves as and how you need them. You are newly married, and that relationship also needs care and attention, thus taking a few days off for the same need to be incorporated so that both you and your wife can spend quality time together. Your fear has less evidence of being true than it being an actual possibility as it is more of a perception you have built about your boss. Being assertive and realising the importance of work life balance and striking is very essential.
Under pressure
Last week I got promoted to be a team leader which was my aim for the year. Now that I have the job title I am still getting used to the functioning of the role. I have a team meeting coming up soon, where I have to address the team and create an encouraging environment for them as the last few months have been tough for the company and previous team leader left the job without advance notice. I think I have a lot to prove and achieve which causes immense pressure. Is there anything I can do to avert being anxious while addressing the team? I would really want to create a good impression.
■ Ans: It is essential to understand that when you address the team, it is going to be based on your identity and what you bring into the team than what your predecessor did or didn’t end up doing. There would be intense pressure as the company crisis is also to be addressed at the earliest hence you are being conscious about the crisis and how your team will receive you might not be a good mix. You could interact with each team member individually before the team meeting so that the ice breaking process has already started. On the day of the meeting, giving yourself this pep talk in a way that would remind you that they are going to look up to a team leader who will bring in the motivation to work and not someone who expects them to know what has to be done without guidance.
Back to the roots
I was sent to Durban by my workplace on an assignment three years ago. After the assignment, my work was appreciated, and I got a job offered at that branch. I was excited for the new opportunity and took it up as I had no major commitments back home. I have enjoyed my work so far but for the past 4 months I have been noticing that there is a lot of stagnation in the work profile. I don’t get to learn much or showcase my skill set which is also bothering me. I am planning to move back to India or switch jobs I am not sure which one is the best option. I would really appreciate some inputs.
■ Ans: The job analysis and the prospects you have in Durban and in India need to be evaluated as a start to the whole process. Once you get a clearer idea that which place offers a better job in terms of job satisfaction, use of skill set, learning new skills etc. It might help you make a decision. As far as moving places is considered, if you are having second thoughts about staying back in Durban give it consideration and address it. Even though you come back home and have to work at a place which might not be paying you well but gives you satisfaction and lesser stress, giving a thought will help you look at the complete picture rather than looking at what’s missing and what’s being met at the superficial level.
Stressful workload
I am a 46-year-old man working in the marketing department for the last 13 years. It’s a high stress job and I have always been the one to take charge and resolve problems. As my position is quite senior at the firm a lot of work load comes into my plate and I can’t say no. I have been suffering from panic like symptoms for the past few weeks. I realise this happens when there is an important meeting to attend to or meet certain prospective business heads. I have been doing meditation daily, but the panic is difficult to deal with. I have started smoking again as well. My kids hate it when I smoke. What is it that I am doing wrong?
■ Ans: Being at a senior position would also entail you delegating work as and when necessary and taking things up which are very essential and need to be attended by you. This will help in you clearing out the excess that you have on your plate. Also reduce the stress which is important as it is seen affecting your health and family life as well. the panic that sets in could be due to having a lot on plate and thus clearing out some of it which can be managed by others is necessary. After spending so many years at this firm and working in a particular manner might be difficult a task to let to go of responsibilities but start with smaller tasks and be involved as supervisor than an actual participant. This delegation when done on regular basis could help you realise that things can be approached in various ways and that delegating isn’t shrieking away from work.