Problems Galore
LACK OF EXPRESSIVENESS
My parents’ family has always been a non-expressive family when it comes to emotions. They never verbaliased nor showed their feelings in the form of a hug or a smile or appreciation. I got married recently and my in-law’s family is just the opposite… they are boisterous, fun-loving and expressive, they hug and kiss and thank at little things. As a result of my upbringing, I am unable to reciprocate to my husband when he expresses his feelings, emotions and love to me. This lack of reciprocation and lack of expression on my part is also hampering our sexual life. I don’t know what to do. My new marriage seems to be on rocks because of my own doing. Can this be addressed?
Ans:
The environment and upbringing does have a lot of effect on how we grow up. In your case the upbringing happens to be different than your husband’s and that is alright. With this understanding you will be in a better state to accommodate the changes in your new environment. There is no set way in which one needs to express affection or love towards others. You can establish your own way of doing so and yet be content. Explain this to your husband as well so that he is on the same page as you and doesn’t misinterpret things between the two of you.
DARK MEMORIES OF CHILDHOOD
I have been in therapy on and off for years now to deal with incidents that have played on me in my childhood. However, every time we begin to touch sensitive aspects, I freeze and do not go back to my therapist and change the therapist. The wounds hurt so much. However, I’m too scared to bring them to the surface and face them and yet I know that I must. The inconsistency is somewhere causing me lose faith in the whole process as well. I usually come back home questioning, why am I doing this?
Ans:
The apprehension revolving around what might surface if things are probed deeper, could be leading to you being inconsistent with therapy. Since you understand that it is essential for you to talk about the childhood trauma, let your therapist know about the fears so that h/she can address it in a way that doesn’t lead to further trauma. Whatever surfaces in the process would be handled sensitively by a trained therapist and this is possible only when you extend belief in the process.
TACKLING BLUES
Every time I feel low and depressed, which is quite often, I find friends tell me to go for a run, go for a jog, go to the gym…it will make you feel good. How will it make me feel good when I cannot even get out of bed on the days when I am down an under. What will the gym do in that situation? How will it make me feel better? I am kind of finding it difficult to be patient with people in general now. Please help!
Ans:
There could be various possibilities of why you feel low and that need to be determined so as to employ appropriate ways to deal with it. Visiting a professional for understanding the low mood phases will lead to finding those ways. Once you start with the behavioural change towards low mood, things will seem to look better. People giving you tips is probably a reaction to what you are going through and trying to make you feel better in the best possible way that they can. It isn’t necessary to apply these solutions if they don’t make sense to you. This is one way of reducing the stress that might revolve around disappointing people who care for you in some way or the other.
LIVING WITHOUT LOVED ONE
What does it mean to recover from the loss of a near one? Is it even possible? I keep hearing people tell me you must get over it (the loss of my husband) …time heals and so on... It is well intentioned but it irritates and stings. How will I ever be over a person I lived 30 years with and loved deeply?
Ans:
I am really sorry to hear about your loss. The process of grieving seems like an impossible task when you are the one left dealing with the pain, putting up a brave face in front of others, so on and so forth. Bereavement as a process leads to accepting the reality that life moves on despite the loss of a near one. It’s never about being over an individual with whom you have shared a deep connection but coming to terms with him not being present physically.