Spouse prefers masturbation

My husband is addicted to porn and prefers masturbating while watching porn rather than intimacy with me. I am frustrated and sad. He will only have sex with me for procreation and not for intimacy. What should I do?

Ans:

It is perfectly acceptable to express your disappointment over this with your husband. He is your ‘life partner’ and hence, any aspect of your ‘life’ that needs discussing or sharing – should be rightfully done with him. Find a way to have that conversation. If approaching the topic is proving to be difficult for you, perhaps the mediatory services of a marriage counsellor may be warranted. There are no ‘push button’ solutions to such problems. The husband and wife need to put in the work to understand each other.

For your husband to prefer masturbating to porn rather than being intimate with you indicates that he clearly prioritises his ‘self-pleasure’ more than attending to your needs and the needs of this relationship. But does he know you are feeling neglected or does he know the extent of ‘how neglected you feel’?

Many couples begin to take each other for granted after they have been together for some time. This happens commonly. Approaching a relationship like a ‘collectible’ or ‘accomplishment’ is usually where the trouble begins. A relationship requires constant nurturance and attending. Sometimes this needs to be taught to couples as they may not have witnessed it in their childhood home or they may not fully understand the fact that they need to give their relationship ‘active project status’.

Creativity and a solid will to stretch oneself emotionally can save even the most challenged relationships from falling apart.

For your husband to see sex only as procreation and not as an intimate act to be shared between you, will be dubbed as selfish on his part, but I urge you not label him just yet. Further investigation is needed. It would be a good idea to examine how invested your husband has been in your relationship in other areas as well – so you know what may be causing such behaviour. Is such behaviour only limited to sex or does he seem to have totally lost interest in you?

Additional exploration of why is he behaving like this warrants further investigation through ‘couple work’ and ‘marriage therapy’ with a psychotherapist.