AGE OF DATING
Is an older woman-younger man relationship inherently flawed or is it a gender stereotype? MUNMUN GHOSH explores
Age is not just a number, to go by the recent maelstrom of shame trolls that erupted on news of Priyanka Chopra dating Nick Jonas, an American singer 10 years younger to her. While Indian society has been approving – or at least not scornful of men marrying women much younger than them – the reverse combination still raises eyebrows. Is an older woman-younger man relationship inherently flawed/ brittle/ challenged, and thus more likely to crumble than an age-wise conventional relationship? Or is this one of those gender stereotypes that we have lugged along and need to shed in the new millennium?
The traditional global norm of younger woman-older man coupling was presumably based on the roles of the man as a provider for the family (he had to establish himself as a bread-winner before he tied the knot) and the woman as a childbearer (younger spelt possibility of bearing more children). “Also, it’s easier to control a younger woman and she is likely to respect a man and be more obedient,” points out A L Sharda, director of the NGO Population First that works for gender equality and justice. Sharda reads a patriarchal motif in this established marriage norm. However, in today’s context, especially urban, where traditional gender roles are fast morphing with women shouldering equal financial responsibility for running a family, and families shrinking (in some cases couples opting to go childless), the age-old norms should not ideally matter.
Biologically, they do not, holds forth Dr Raj Brahmabhatt, practising sexologist and marriage counsellor, who has recently started a department of sexual medicine at Nanavati Super Speciality Hospital, Mumbai. “Sexually, both men and women can remain equally active even in their 70s and more; modern medicine can take care of any physical issues in the way. Sex is a means of recreation and relating with another, and not just of procreation. Also, a woman can safely have a child at least till she is 40. What matters most is the mental chemistry between two people, for sex too starts at the mind level, especially for the woman. If there’s powerful mental chemistry between Priyanka and Nick Jonas, it can lead to a good relationship.”
Women’s activist, Sarita Mullick (name changed) who admits to having been romantically entangled with men younger to her by 12, 15 and even 18 years, corroborates the doctor’s stand. “What has age got to do with romance? In fact, a relationship with a younger man works out very well, that is my experience. You feel more in control. But, yes, as a divorcee with children, I was not looking for permanence. I knew and the men knew the affairs were temporary. So, we enjoyed the moment. If marriage comes in, it can be complicated, I think.”
While agreeing to the ‘control’ factor, theatre actor Manisha Joshi (name changed) shares her very different and dubious experience of an eight-year-old liaison with a younger man. “He pursed me at a time in my life when I was alone and vulnerable, and I gave in even when I had misgivings. We were living together in my house. I was soaring professionally. While he benefited from my professional highs, he resented it in his heart. He looted me completely, and then one day from Delhi which he had said he was visiting for work, he called me up in Mumbai to announce that he had got married, and of course, to a younger woman. I was devastated and felt used. It was the worst mistake of my life. Bright women can sometimes make such fools out of themselves! But, I believe it was not his age as much as his mind-set that was the problem. I have couple-friends where the wife is much older than the man, and they are in perfect sync. What’s worrisome about the Priyanka-Nick Jonas alliance is their cultural rather than age disparity.”
The world of celebrities, especially of arts and music, is indeed rife with examples of men hitched to women, one to even six years elder to them: Sunil Dutt-Nargis, Anupam Kher-Kirron Kher, Shubha Mudgal-Aneesh Pradhan, Sachin TendulkarAnjali, inter alia. “If two people share a common passion or goal, that can bond them, then age disappears,” points out Dr Brahmabhatt. “I have come across a few women from the film fraternity who have settled for much younger men. In today’s times, as women are more career-driven and many delay marriage, choosing to firm up their careers first, it’s possible that they will accept marriage offers from younger men, if they are mentally and culturally compatible.”
As it is, older women hold a powerful fascination for young men. Confesses, Gunjan Naithani, a NOIDA-based technical lead, “Every man as a teenager would have been attracted to some older woman, mostly a teacher in their school. She is generally their first object of fantasy. I still remember a teacher named Neelu in my school, dressed in a blue sari. She was sweet to me and I loved attending her class. Older women can carry themselves better, have more maturity and depth in their voices, which is attractive. When it’s about falling in love, age does not matter.” Though we daresay a 10year age divide can throw down the gauntlet to any couple. It’s not too hard to guess why Saif Ali Khan should have dumped Amrita Singh, whom he had wooed as a callow youth, after 13 years of wedlock and two kids. Saif ’s simple explanation, “I fell out of love with her,” and subsequent marriage to the nubile Kareena Kapoor all too strongly underline the challenges incipient in a marital or long-term relationship between Priyanka and Nick Jonas.
Of course, life is all about taking risks and we all script different stories, some truly extraordinary like that written by the doyen of Punjabi literature Amrita Pritam and the artist Imroz, 10 years her junior, who lived together for 40 years in unbroken love and harmony, fuelling each other’s creative genius. What is to prevent Priyanka or Nick or anyone from dazzling the world with their own unique, strikingly luminous relationship