Making the right choice
I am a divorcee and have always landed up dating the ‘bad boys’. Some exploited me sexually and left, some exploited me financially and left, and some exploited my social networks and left. I have been seeing a man who says he is in a bad marriage and is seeking to end it. However, he has been delaying filing for divorce since 3 years and we have been fighting over it endlessly. I was recently introduced to a divorcee with 2 lovely kids who I met over brunch. He proposed to me as he felt I was just the person he wanted to be with. He is a well-settled, really ‘nice guy’ and a great father to his kids. However, there are no ‘sparks’, but just a ‘warmth’ and ‘comfort’ of being with a good friend. I keep thinking of the great sex with the married guy who I am still hoping will file for divorce, while there is this nice guy waiting for me to say ‘yes’. I feel conflicted. What should I do?
Bad boys, good boys and nice guys are simplistic titles that you may hear 1st graders using for the first time in school — based on their limited knowledge of and use of ‘vocabulary’. However, words are cheap and ideas are priceless. Here’s an idea for you — Steer clear from labelling yourself. ‘The one who dates bad boys’ is a label. It’s an unhelpful label. Such limiting titles and labels can affect the way in which we organise our thoughts and even the way we see the world.
An adult must understand that all human beings are far more nuanced than such labels allow them to be. Human beings are defined by their choices and therefore it a deed’s perceptions may warrant some labelling and nothing else. Labels are merely classification tools. They are not permanent classifications. In the past, you’ve made decisions that’ve left you distraught. You’ve felt cheated and beat down which was both aggravating and humiliating for you. This is your history. This is your truth. However, if facts were to be considered and emotions were to be parked, being with those men were decisions made by you and were certainly not part of some ‘pre-destined karmic design or cosmic inevitability’. There is no proof for such things. If you’ve made decisions that were short-sighted or based on poor logic, then this is your chance to pick up on the information provided here and re-decide what kind of men you are happy having in your life. You’re a human being and you’re allowed to make mistakes. Be fair to yourself. The path to happiness, discovery and greatness is largely self-improvement based. To stumble and fumble through life is a part of the process of learning more about yourself and the world.
If you catch yourself looking for a ‘sure thing’ based on a degree of ‘assured happiness’, then I’d like to inform you that such ‘certainties’ simply do not exist. Happy romances make for troubled married and sometimes awkward nascent romances can turn into committed long term relationships. There are no guarantees in life nor in death. Everyone gets by based on guesstimates and through an iteration of approaches. People can change very quickly based on their needs and agendas. As mentioned by you, you’ve had a fair share of people who you’ve felt ‘used you’. Why do people get cheated and then subsequently cast away? Perhaps the gullibility and neediness of such people makes them seem insecure and this in turn makes people push them around or largely ignore what they really need. Ask yourself if you need to be a lot more selective with whom you let into your life.
The men currently in your life will present you with unique relationship opportunities. ‘The married man on the verge of divorce’ has been acting flaky on the matter of leaving his wife — for the past three years while the ‘nice divorcee’ seems to have his relationships well organised — in comparison. Just the way you’ve kept an eye on the ‘well settled’ man, perhaps you should be asking yourself about how well settled you’re feeling emotionally before you’re ready to move on from one relationship to another. Whoever you end up with will have independent expectations of you as well. Despite what I’ve heard some ladies say — a man is not simply a social and emotional commodity that a woman must hitch herself to so that she’s ‘well taken care of ’. Care and attention is a two-way street. If you’d like to be with someone, you must first take an honest look at how emotionally complete you are — in your relationship with yourself. Your concerns about ‘no sparks’ is understandable but what is also true is that most seasoned romances are usually nothing but matured friendships where the weight of expectations does not exceed the desire for growth and the openness to adventure and learning.
The quality of the sex that you enjoy with men will be positively affected by the deep bond shared by you and the man in question as sex is so much more than just an act of physical gratification. The greater the bond you share, the more enjoyable the sex will be. All improvements and iterations are possible and often even necessary in all sexual relationships as partners cannot possibly mind read each other and can often greatly benefit from learning how to make their partner feel cared both emotionally and in bed.