The extended nightmare of Goosebumps books

It was the true mark of a ’90s kid. Sleepless nights of youth, caused by the pages of R. L. Stine; by thoughts of ghosts and ghouls come creeping into the most nightmarish corners of a young imagination.

And with the release of Goosebumps on DVD & Bluray, which faces Jack Black off against some of the book series’ most iconic monsters in an infectiously nostalgic film, I am once more reminded that I was once that ’90s kid.

Sat up, unblinking in bed, because some Goosebumps book had set every gear in my brain whirring; so that every shadow suddenly looked like a venomous demon clawing its way over my duvet.

The new film builds on an incredible legacy: born Robert Lawrence Stine, the children’s author has managed to create an empire of terror (in the fun sense) so exhaustive, and so widely-loved, that many have come to label him the “Stephen King of children’s literature”. He’s sold over 400 million copies of his books, with USA Today naming him the bestselling author in the US for three consecutive years during the ’90s.

Yet, things have changed, I guess. We live now in a new era of fear. Where kids are haunted by gruesome urban legends spreading whispers of the Slenderman into every corner of the Internet, will R. L. Stine have lost some of his bite?

I’ve changed too, of course. Yet, as much as I’d like to think I’ve hardened myself against the terrors lying under the bed; I do still occasionally find myself sat up, unblinking, in the middle of the night thanks to some stray haunting thought.

For science, then, I’ve revisited six of the most famous R. L. Stine books, whose monstrous creatures feature in the new film; all in order to determine whether the author still has a grip on kids of ‘90s past. Lawn gnomes appear to exist in that very peculiar category of fear in which something is totally ridiculous, right up until the point it stops being ridiculous and starts being utterly terrifying.

Here, that exact moment happens when the lifeless, gurning gnome statues littering Joe’s front lawn start whispering threats to him. Granted, any inanimate object that suddenly starts murmuring about death and retribution is bound to cause some severe bad vibes.

Yet, I can absolutely guarantee those bad vibes are significantly increased when said possessed object is wearing a tiny orange hat, and is friends with a lot of other little objects wearing tiny orange hats. And all of them are pretty dead set on collectively ruining your day. As richly atmospheric as this tale may be; I’m a deeply committed dog person, so there’s always going to be a limit as to how scary I can find werewolves, considering they don’t seem like much else other than extremely hangry pups.

That said, one of the most singularly terrifying passages in this entire series is a description of the effects of a snake bite; an IRL threat that any adult is daily plagued with in their deepest anxieties, possibly more so if you happen to live in Australia.

Just read this, “Red dots formed in my eyes. The dots grew larger and larger until I saw only red. The colour shimmered in rhythm to the throbbing pain.” That’s one big pot of “nope”, right there. Slappy inhabits the role of the Goosebumps movie’s main antagonist for good reason; though he’s not the actual villain of the first Night of the Living Dummy book, his unsettling presence and mischievous attitude sparked an entire series of novels, which even saw him landed with a wife and child.

It’s just a case of deciding what’s more frightening about a ventriloquist’s dummy: those painted, unmoving eyes? Or, that permanent grin plastered over a hinged jaw? Which one do you focus on first when you wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night, and see it perched on the chair across from your bed, knees politely crossed as it stares right down into your soul?

Also, shout- out to the book’s lovely, brief metamoment; when the mother is caught reading a Stephen King book, knowing full well that these puppetry horrors are just as frightening. You just know that anything capable of spooking a huge, bearded Alaskan dude is ultra bad news; so the titular Abominable Snowman certainly doesn’t disappoint, especially since this version seems to possess some bizarre icy powers.

He’s basically like an angry, extremely hairy version of Queen Elsa; though, adultwise, the real scare of this book is when Jordan and his sister Nicole get sent hurtling down into a crevasse. I’ve seen documentaries; we know that usually doesn’t end well. As a full-grown person, the initial lustre of the Shock Street theme park Erin and Marty have been tasked with testing out does fairly quickly fade; particularly with the realisation that this is both a safety, and budgetary nightmare – seriously, what’s your ride capacity here, how much are you charging for tickets, what are your overheads?

Just wait until that ending, though; with a final twist so sudden, and so mindblowing, if this book were published today it would have blasted the Internet into smithereens. This is the Lost finale J.J. Abrams only dreamed of. A young girl convinced her next- door neighbour is a ghost I can deal with; that’s a sustainable level of chills for me to handle.

But what this book doesn’t think to warn you about is the other ghost that keeps peeking out from behind trees and chasing this poor kid home; a sinister, longlimbed shadow creature who is basically Slenderman before the Internet existed, with a nice dash of the shadow baby from Game of Thrones tossed in.

Honestly, I’m a little embarrassed how genuinely frightened this book made me. But combine that ghost with the utterly insane final act twist, get James Wan to adapt it to screen, and you’ve got the next Conjuring movie right in your hands. Just dip your feet into a bathtub of one billion horror bucks. THE INDEPENDENT