REKINDLING THE MAGIC
Q: My wife and I have been married for 11 years, and though we still love each other, our relationship has grown stale. What can we do to put the magic back in our marriage?
A: When most couples vow “for better or worse” in the starry-eyed magic of the moment, they can only imagine their lives together getting better and better. New parents take one long, deep look into the eyes of their baby and vow to never hurt or disappoint the child. Children promise to stay best friends forever. Doctors, nurses, teachers, social workers, volunteers, and others dedicate their lives to serving others. It’s love—that superglue of families, friendships, and every other good thing—that inspires such commitment.
Why, then, do married couples squabble? Why do parents nag, belittle, and get impatient? Why do friends drift apart? Why does the inspiration to selflessly serve others wane? How do we rekindle the love that inspired us to take our vows?
As time passes, we become so familiar with the people we are closest to that we stop valuing and treating them like we should. The wear and tear of daily living takes its toll, and the bright newness of once-treasured relationships begins to fade. Up close and personal, everyone’s flaws and foibles begin to show. Routines become ruts. Our once-prized blessings begin to weigh on us.
When that happens, it’s time to reverse the trend. That will take a conscious effort and will not be easy, especially if the problem has been going on for some time, but it can be done. First, take some time to remind yourself of all the things about the other person that drew you to them in the first place. Focus on those good and positive traits. Then put yourself in their position and ask yourself, Why do you think your spouse was initially attracted to you? The quickest and surest way to return the shine to any tarnished relationship is to remember what brought you into a love relationship in the first place. Get busy being the person you set out to be at the start, appreciate the good qualities in your partner, and the other party will almost certainly follow suit.
And remember, God specializes in fresh starts. “If anyone is in Christ,” the Bible tells us, “he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.”
1 That’s a promise about salvation, but it’s also a promise for everyday living. God will revitalize and renew any relationship if we ask Him to first work within our own hearts and lives.
There is a story about two brothers who enlisted in the army during World War I and were assigned to the same unit. They were soon sent to the frontline trenches. In WWI trench warfare, each side dug a network of trenches along the frontline of their territory, then laid siege to the other side’s trenches. From time to time, one side or the other launched an offensive to try to break through the enemy’s lines. During one such attack, the younger brother was mortally wounded and lay in no-man’s-land—that exposed, deadly area between the opposing forces.
The older brother, still safe in the trench, saw it happen and knew instinctively what he must do. He worked his way through the trench, around other soldiers, until he came to his field commander. “I’ve got to go get him!” the older brother called out over the din of battle.
“That’s impossible!” his commander yelled as he grabbed him. “You’ll be killed the minute you stick your head out of this trench!”
But the older brother tore himself loose from the officer’s grip, scrambled out of the trench, and plunged into no-man’s-land to find his brother, amid withering fire from the enemy.
When he did, the younger brother could only manage a whisper. “I knew you’d come!” By this time, the older brother had also been seriously wounded. He barely managed to drag his brother back to their line, and they both fell into the trench, dying.
“Why did you do it?” demanded the commander. “I told you you’d get yourself killed too!”
“I had to,” the older brother replied with a final smile. “He expected it of me. I couldn’t let him down.”
—Jesus, John 15:13 NLT
There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
When someone asked Jesus what was God’s greatest commandment, He replied, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’”
As far as God is concerned, love is the supreme virtue. Love is the most important thing. God doesn’t ask us to be perfect; He doesn’t ask us to be free from mistakes; He doesn’t ask us to do great things that the world will hear of. He just asks us to love others.
—Shannon Shayler
1. Matthew 22:37–39