Funny jokes from daily life situations

Hitting

An angry husband hit the wife, she hit the son, he hit the daughter and the latter hit the cat. Then the cat pissed to everyone’s slippers.

Driving license

A girl talks to a guy: - You know, I have passed driving exams. Now I’ll be choosing a machine to buy. Maybe you could advise which machine would be the best?

- Washing one...

Knock knock

Somebody knocks on door: - Who is there? - Police? - What do you want? - We want to talk. - How many of you are there? - Two. - So talk with each other.

Worse than that

What’s worse than eating an apple and finding a worm?

Eating an apple and finding half a worm.

Eating

In a restaurant: - What would you like to eat? - I would prefer to read the menu first.

- If you want to read, go to the library.

Imprisonment

A mother writes a letter to her son, who is in a prison.

- Dear son, life’s so hard for me since they took you to a prison: Nobody digs a vegetable garden, nobody plants potatoes...

The son writes back to her mother:

- Mom, please stay away from the garden. If you start digging it, the police may come and both take you to a prison and prolong mine imprisonment..

Mother writes back to her son:

- Darling, together with your last letter police came. They digged all over the garden, but haven’t found anything. The left being extremely frustrated. Son writes his mom: - I helped as much, as I could with this. Please plant the potatoes by yourself.

Glasses

- Doc, I think I need to wear glasses

- Indeed you have to, you are in a bank.

Stupid

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew it.

The boss Teeth tongue VS

Teeth says to tongue: If I just press a little, you’ll get cut. Tongue replies: If I misuse a single word, all 32 of you will come out.

A boss took one of his employees to show his new sports car.

“That is amazing,” the employee was fascinated.

“That is true,” replied boss “and if you set your new goals higher and work even harder, I can get an even better car next year”.

Vacation

- Where are you going for vacation this year?

- I checked my budget and decided that I didn’t get tired.

Fat

It’s not the dress that makes you look fat. It’s the fat.

Does laugh prolong life?

- Is it true that five minutes of laugh prolongs your life by five minutes?

- It depends who you are laughing at —it may as well shorten it...

A fool

On a beach a man shouts at another man:

- Tell your son not to imitate me. A man to his son: - Son, stop playing the fool. - Hi, John! I have heard that you died three times already!

- Hmm, but you’re no better – you haven’t come to any of my funerals.