‘Ilongedtopickupthe phoneandtalktohim’
Hairdresser Paul Stafford (49) lives in Belfast with his wife Leisa (49) and their two daughters, Joni (16) and Ava (14). His father passed away 11 years ago. He says:
My dad died 11 years ago in June after a very long and difficult battle with cancer. He was a bit like Lazarus in that he would be very unwell and then he would bounce back.
Through it all he had a tremendous work ethic and never missed a day of work. He just got up and went on. I really admired him for that.
When my father passed away I didn’t grieve initially. I was relieved for him and the rest of the family that his suffering was over and, in many ways, I just thought now is the time to get on with my own life.
My father and I had a difficult relationship. As the eldest in the family I was the typical alpha male and wanted to do things my way.
I guess I just wanted to be independent and leave home, and we clashed on silly things like football and bigger things like politics but he was never a judgemental man and, when I said I was going to be a hairdresser, he respected that.
Looking back, all the fighting and nit-picking was my fault. I was strong-willed and determined. I thought I was always right.
I think it is brilliant that William and Harry stepped out of typical royal protocol to make the programme about losing their mum, and what they give back to society is a true inspiration and great example. I really respect them for it.
The grief and regret didn’t hit me until a few years after dad had passed away and Leisa and I were going through a well-documented difficult time with the business. I hit a wave of realisation and regret. I missed my dad and would have given anything to be able to talk to him about what was going on, to find out what he thought about it all and, most of all, to get his advice.
We all think we are invincible and don’t need our parents when things are going well but, when we are in trouble, they are the first person we want to turn to and dad wasn’t there. It was too late and it was all my fault.
I realised that I hadn’t grieved and that I missed my father dreadfully.
I longed to pick up the phone and talk to him.
Now, on his anniversary and his birthday, I sit and think about my dad and what a good man he was. He made a lot of sacrifices for our family and worked hard to support us.
He really was a very good dad and I learnt a lot from him. Our daughters adored him and I’d love to see him interact with them as a grandfather now.
I am full of admiration and regret, and it took me a long time to admit that and to grieve properly for my father.”