‘The idea of going out to socialise fills me with dread’

Performing arts lecturer Pauline McCann (55), lives in Londonderry with her daughter Jodie (12). She says:

Iwas in my mid-20s when I started to develop seasonal affective disorder. At that time of year when the nights started to draw in, I changed completely. My whole family noticed the change. I wasn’t my usual bubbly self. I didn’t want to go out anywhere and always stayed in the house. Everything that interested me previously suddenly didn’t interest me anymore.

Even the smallest things were hard to do, but at that stage, I wasn’t really sure what was wrong. I thought it was just me. It was the way I was. Back then, nobody knew about SAD, they just thought it was depression. But I kept thinking to myself, I have nothing to be depressed about.

I absolutely hated the dark nights coming in. I felt my energy levels just dropping right down. I would still cope. I would still go to work and do what I had to do, but I derived no enjoyment from anything. Once I got past Christmas and into January, though, I started picking up again. I knew that the winter was passing and I would come back into myself again.

I’ve always lived with SAD, so I’ve never known it any other way. Every winter, people would say, ‘Pauline, there’s no craic out of you today. What’s wrong with you?’ I just felt so exhausted. I’ve been a lecturer in performing arts in the North West Regional College for over 20 years and a lot of young people live with SAD too. I can see it in them.

Because we work in dark theatre spaces, with no natural light, rehearsing and acting for hours at a time, when the winter comes around, I make a point of taking my students outside, into the light. I’m not a trained counsellor but I do talk with them about it.

They come to me because they don’t want to go to a counsellor or they don’t want to tell their parents, whereas I’m quite open about my SAD. I have tutorial sessions with them and if and when they open up about their mental health, I will tell