The pride and the pain of seeing your child
Thousands of parents across Northern Ireland are getting used to having one less member of the family at home. As degree courses get under way, two well-known mums tell Stephanie Bell why this month is proving a steep learning curve for them too
‘No one prepares you for it ... there’s a big hole left behind’
It’s a tumultuous time for parents across Northern Ireland as they get used to the empty nest while sons and daughters begin new lives at universities all over the UK and Ireland, often many, many miles from home and a plane or ferry trip away.
Being a fresher is an exciting time for young people embarking on a new stage of life, but for mums and dads it can trigger a myriad of emotions.
Downtown Radio presenter Caroline Fleck (46), from Coleraine, says she was left feeling bereft after seeing off her son Jack at Southampton University, where he is studying graphic design.
Until her daughter Molly (3) came along, Caroline was on her own with Jack for many years, so mother and son share a very special bond.
Caroline says she has been struggling with feelings of grief as she adapts to life without Jack in the house. Leaving her son also gave her an appreciation for the first time of what her own parents went through when she left home at 18 to study nursing.
Caroline, who was a cardiac care nurse for eight years before making a career switch to radio presenting, says: “It was absolutely awful. If Jack was in a local university and would be coming home at weekends or I could pop up and see him, that wouldn’t be so bad, but the fact he is in Southampton just makes it worse for me.
“I studied nursing in Northern Ireland and my parents knew I was going to be home at the weekends, bringing my dirty washing with me and eating them out of house and home.
“At that age you don’t appreciate for one second what your parents are going through and, looking back, even though I stayed here, it was still hard for mum and dad.
“Leaving Jack was terrible, and when I came home, as soon as I saw my mum, I started to cry and gave her a big hug as I realised I didn’t appreciate all she went through.”
Caroline’s son is a former pupil of Coleraine College and stayed on to study for further
The lovely sense of pride and happiness felt when arriving with their offspring at the halls of residence at the campus where they will spend the next three years can be quickly replaced with a feeling of grief, loss and loneliness as soon as they start the return journey home.
Here, two well-known local mums share their thoughts about the gut-wrenching process of dropping their first-born at university in England. qualifications in graphic design here before applying for university. The fact that at 20 he is that bit older than his peers starting a degree course has been reassuring for his worried mum.
Nonetheless, as she helped him to settle into his new home last week, leaving him was a wrench she wasn’t prepared for.
She says: “I think I was in a state of denial, busying myself with getting all the practical things ready for him to go, but nothing prepares you for your child leaving home. I felt bereft and I feel bereft now.
“You want to give them their wings, but part of you is left with this gut-wrenching feeling in the pit of your stomach which I can only describe as like grief. “It is grief for this child you have brought up who has suddenly turned into this adult who no longer depends on you.
“It has been hard trying to explain to my three-year-old that her brother is going to school and she doesn’t understand why he is not at home.
“She will miss Jack and so will I. For a long time there was just me and Jack and we were each other’s best friend. Now he is not there and I miss him and that readjustment will take a long time to get used to. No one prepares you for it — there is just a big hole there.”
Caroline admits to the normal worries of whether her son will have enough money to buy food and make good friends. While students are notorious for partying, she hopes Jack will have fun but also show common sense.
She says: “Fresher’s week can be crazy with the new students out every night. At least at home I knew where he was and I was just a phone call away. Because Jack is 20 and has had a few years’ partying at home, I am hoping that is an advantage and that he will be sensible.
“At the same time I want him to enjoy it. I said to Jack at the beginning of his adult life that going to uni was not the only option, but that I would encourage him to go for the life experience.
“I think you make friends there that you have for life, and it is not just about getting the degree.”
Caroline marvels at how modern technology has changed things for young people today. Even before he had set foot in university last week, Jack had already made a group of friends from the halls of residence he will be living in through a group chat on social media.
However, because such luxuries weren’t around when she was leaving home, Caroline worries that today’s generation of students just aren’t as worldly-wise and confident.
She says: “I think when I and my friends were that age we more confident because we had to just get on with it. Kids today are more confident in other ways, but I am not sure they are as prepared as we were.
“I had no mobile phone or online banking for mum and dad to transfer money into and no Snapchat or social media. All I had was a 10p piece and a phone box. Jack could never imagine that, but it probably made us more resilient and less reliant on our parents.
“However, when I left home I only knew one other person on my course and had to make friends when I arrived.
“Jack has gone over there with his social life already planned out with the new friends he made on a group chat, which is great.
“He doesn’t have that fear that nobody will talk to him or that he might not make new friends.”