Read the full moving interview with ref Lee
Referee LeeTavinder on how he started officiating, hitting rock bottom with his illness and why it’s so important to
Q What playing career did you have before refereeing? A I played until I was 20 and started refereeing when I was 16. I played on Saturdays and a friend offered me the chance to referee games on a Sunday morning for £10. I enjoyed it but never thought I would still be doing it today.
I played full-back for my hometown team which was Leek Town United and Leek County School Old Boys in Staffordshire. My discipline as a player was awful!
I was too competitive and it now helps me empathise with players. I would always encourage players to take a refereeing course because it helps you understand the other side of the game.
My dad Phil used to complain about my stupid yellow cards which reduced after I took the course! I injured my Achilles when I was 18 and started to focus more on refereeing.
I even sent my brother off once and it was frosty for a few weeks! Q You’ve been interested in refereeing from a young age. What was the appeal? A It was just the challenge of it at the start. I used to give referees stick, then regretted it. The job fascinated me because so few people understood it.
When I was working for the Irish FA on the recruitment side, I always said, ‘You’ve got to love football to do refereeing’ but once you’ve started you’re hooked. I started to enjoy it more and refereed adult football from the age of 18.
It was easier than kids’ football because the adults were easier to talk to than teenagers. Now there are a lot of young referees coming through but I was the youngest in my league by about eight years.
The majority were aged over 50. I went from refereeing parks football to running the line in the Conference at the age of 19. I made that switch within three years which was quick. Q What made you move to Northern Ireland? A I’ve been married since 2009 and my wife Selena is originally from Northern Ireland. We met while in England and working at Alton Towers.
We had our first daughter in England but Selena wanted to come home so we moved back to Northern Ireland where we live close to her parents. I am very settled here. I have two girls, Rachel (13) and Charlotte (6).
When I moved to Northern Ireland I was unsure whether to continue refereeing but I spoke to the Referee Development Officer at the time, Alan Snoddy, and he came to watch me in a Junior match.
One of my last games in England was a Youth Cup game at Anfield and my first game here was at Kernan Playing Fields in Portadown. It was a bit of a culture shock but I settled in and gradually progressed to refereeing in the Premiership in 2015. Q How does refereeing in Northern Ireland compare to England? A It’s a completely different challenge but I find it easier here. It reminds me of the Northern leagues in England where players accepted a degree of physical contact. The dissent over here is actually less. Players are more respectful, partly because you see players more often.
In England the clubs mark you but they don’t here which has pros and cons. I do think clubs should have feedback.
Having an outlet where they can praise or offer constructive criticism would be useful, balanced with marks from assessors. Q Clubs often complain about a lack of communication with officials. What’s your view? A I think clubs need to understand our role more and vice-versa. I believe the communication is better here than in England.
Manager and players will communicate more with referees as there is more of a familiarity in Northern Ireland.
Q What is your role now within
the Irish FA?
A I used to be Referee Development Manager, mainly developing referees at grassroots level. I’ve moved on to the social responsibility side, largely working in the prisons — Maghaberry, Magilligan and Hydebank.
I’m Project Co-Ordinator for the ‘Stay Onside’ programme, a series of initiatives aimed at ex and current offenders to divert and deter them from offending. We do coaching sessions, Futsal and mental health talks which are a passion of mine.
We take a look at how mental health issues and sport come together while looking at individuals including George Best, Gary Speed and Paul Gascoigne.
My personal story is in there too as I’ve had mental health issues since I was 13-years-old. I didn’t disclose them to anybody until I was 33.
I suffered from anxiety which led to depression and I still take medication. In 2015, I tried to take my own life. I was refereeing in the Premier League and working at the Irish FA but no one knew I had any issues, not even my wife or close family. Q Why did you keep that to yourself ? A I remember being really bad in 2015 and I was doing a referees’ development course and not one of the 20 people there would have thought I had an issue.
On the drive home that weekend I knew I had come to a point where I couldn’t cope. I could go from being completely fine to fearing the worst scenario in the world. I’d hear about a car crash on the radio and instantly start
❝ Why didn’t I tell anyone? A large part is shame because I thought I should be able to cope
to think someone in my family had been killed.
If my daughter was late home from school I’d start to believe she had been kidnapped or murdered. Initially this would happen once a month to the point it was happening in a cycle every 15 minutes.
I know they were massively irrational thoughts and when I snapped out of it I knew it didn’t make sense but I still returned to the same point at some stage.
When I tried to take my own life I was just at the stage where I didn’t know how to stop the cycle. I was 100% sure when I got home and locked the door. I just didn’t have the energy to carry on.
Why didn’t I tell anyone? I think a large part of it is shame because I thought I should be able to cope. Two weeks before the incident I went to see a doctor and spoke about it for the first time. He looked more uncomfortable than me.
I thought speaking about it would be a miracle cure but it was only a first, small step. Medication made me worse initially and on June 1, 2015 at 8.15pm, I attempted an overdose.
Years earlier I had another incident but it was more an attempted cry for help, this was the real thing. I tried to talk about it many times and made many doctors appointments but when I got there I would tell a doctor I had a problem with my ears as I couldn’t open up.
Halfway through the taking of tablets and alcohol, I realised I had a game to referee a week later. As bizarre as it sounds, I emailed someone to say I couldn’t do that game in the middle of a suicide attempt.
Looking back I’m not sure if this made any difference but it shows how football gives people a purpose. Refereeing has helped me enormously and helps me manage my anxiety.
Q Did the anxiety ever affect your refereeing?
A Strangely, it never affected me on a pitch. On a Saturday afternoon I was comfortable and in control. Once that whistle goes you don’t think about it.
I’m fitter than I have ever been and I use this to manage my mental health. That said, I still run like a duck because of my Achilles injury which is a long standing source of amusement to supporters and players alike!
Q How did you get through that dark period of your life in 2015? A It was a massive shock to my family who knew nothing about it. I was a master at hiding things. There’s a typical bloke idea of not talking about these things and I feared it would affect my chances of progression at work and other opportunities.
I was Referee Development Manager at the time. Many people know now and I have a good support network around me. At the time colleagues at the Irish FA, particularly Michael Boyd and Diarmuid O’Carroll, were fantastic.
It was easier to talk to people I didn’t know really well but I needed to hit rock bottom to come back. Rock bottom was that night in June 2015. The police were alerted by family and social services became involved.
One of the police officers even recognised me from a previous job. If they hadn’t managed to get in that night I would not be here today. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with anxiety that I understood things better and can now accept it as an illness.
I used to believe it was a weakness. Now I can stand in front of prisoners and community groups and tell my story because it’s good for me and hopefully it helps someone.
I’m fairly sure, particularly around 2015, if someone had asked me directly if I was okay I’d have opened up and talked about my problems. Q And you are still battling this illness today?
A Absolutely. I still take medication and have bad days but I have a much better understanding and a coping strategy in place.
Q Do you fear you could feel that low again? A Because I understand it more and have done research, combined with having a support network which includes many people on my phone I can send a message to, I no longer feel isolated.
I think a better understanding lets you own and deal with the illness far more effectively. I accept I’ll have bad days. Exercise is a big thing for me to control it and spending time with my kids.
Our dog had the legs walked off him when I was recovering. I honestly don’t think I’ll ever go back to that time. I don’t believe I’ll be cured or free of anxiety but I have great support and I love my family and job.
For 10 years anxiety consumed my life. Now my job and family consume it. I appreciate what I have and hopefully I can help other people. I know how complex mental health issues are. It’s not something to be ashamed of.
Q Do you believe many more people within sport are on a similar journey to yourself ?
A I’ve had messages from people and I think it helps to hear someone else talk about it.
The prison talks are well received and I think it’s important for football to do something because we have blokes aged 18 to 35 who are vulnerable but the least likely to talk.
Q Was there any reason for your anxiety?
A No, I didn’t have a bad childhood. I don’t drink much or take drugs. Sometimes we have to accept it is just a chemical imbalance in the mind.
People think there’s a reason why someone is depressed but it might just be the chemicals aren’t quite right. I can see people going through what I went through and they haven’t accepted it. Far too many young people are taking their lives.
I don’t diagnose or counsel anyone but maybe my story can encourage someone to talk. In my adult life I didn’t know where to go to get help until I really needed it.
Q Are the prison talks helping you?
A The first time I did the talk was at Hydebank where a young refugee was going to be deported back to Algeria. He shook my hand and told me to hang in there.
He was 100% genuine despite everything that was going on in his life. On the other side one guy walked out during a talk but he later apologised because it just struck too many chords with him.
The programme is really making a difference — it was started by Andy Waterworth and Mark Dennison in 2016 and I got involved early on. It’s growing quickly now and really making a difference.
Q How has what you’ve been through impacted on your family life?
A My wife, in particular, has needed to be very strong. If you turn the tables and things happened the other way round I’m not sure I could have supported her in the same way.
Ironically, she’s a mental health nurse. I can put myself in her shoes and imagine her asking, ‘Am I not good enough to give you something to live for?’
I had a dream job in refereeing, two kids who are healthy, no debt or addictions. All I had was anxiety in my head and was going through the same negative thought cycle. It was a vicious cycle of behaviour I couldn’t shake off and my anxiety would attach itself to anything it could.
Without my wife and some key people, both friends and work colleagues, I’d be dead. I’ve never said that to them but it’s the truth. My kids know something went on and my oldest daughter knows more as I’m honest.
They are the most important thing to me. The thought of taking my own life didn’t go away after it happened. It was there but since then I never got close to that. Selena knows when I’m having a bad day but she is more confident I can deal with it.
Q Is there any advice you would give to people dealing with mental health issues?
A Talking about it is great but it’s just a start and it’s a marathon, not a sprint. I thought if I talked everything would be fine but it was the opposite.
I felt ashamed and a failure. You have to start the process but there’s more options like medication, counselling and support.
It was 18 months until I became ‘content’ with where I was after the incident. There were bad days but the support network was vital.
Q Referees get a lot of stick. Does that have an impact?
A Not at all. It’s probably the most difficult job in sport but we don’t expect many pats on the back. Praise is very welcome of course and it gives you confidence. Criticism heightens the challenge and spurs you on.
Referees don’t want to be noticed. Off the pitch players and managers are largely respectful once the 90 minutes are over — having open communication will help the whole game.
Q How long will you referee for?
A Another 10 years hopefully if my legs can take it. I’m enjoying domestic football more than ever and it’s great that attendances are increasing and the game is constantly improving.
I’ve been lucky to travel in the Europa League as a fourth official and on exchanges. One of my remaining ambitions is to referee the Irish Cup final.
I’m probably fitter now than when I was at 20. Refereeing has been the one constant thing in my life since I was 16.
My late granddad Doug, a former referee and cricket umpire, was the biggest influence on me and my most honest critic. Refereeing was my one big passion and ambition and it still is and has been a real positive influence on my life.
If you, or anyone close to you, is affected by any issues in this article, please contact the Samaritans free on 116123, Lifeline on 080 8808 8000 or Mind on 0300 123 3393.