Faith, sexuality and terminal illness... the Bangor man baring his soul
Ahead of his talk this weekend the former chef, who has been celibate for the last decade, tells Leona O’Neill how fellow Christians shunned him and left him feeling like taking his own life
When I was asked to leave the congregation I felt terribly dejected... the rejections took me to some very dark places
Sometimes it takes a life-changing moment, like being told you are terminally ill, to completely focus the mind. That is why Bangor man Colin Nevin has decided to host a very personal talk about life as a Christian gay man, being torn between faith and sexuality, this weekend in his local hotel.
Entitled ‘The Man In White’, the talk will centre around his journey of faith, isolation, celibacy, sacrifice, being expelled from congregations and losing his job because of his sexuality.
Colin, a former chef, brought up in the Presbyterian faith before moving to Church of England, says he wants to ‘set the record straight’ about his life.
Colin was diagnosed with terminal Amyloidosis — the illness that former Deputy First Minister Martin McGuinness died of — five years ago.
He says he wants to be able to speak out and “enjoy whatever years I have left” without the gossip, whispers and condemnation that has dogged him over recent times in Christian circles.
“I would say that I first felt that I was gay when I was around 12 years old, the first age when you start having little crushes on people,” he says.
“I started to go to the church meetings at the YMCA. I was still a young boy at 15.
“At 17 I started to get feelings that I couldn’t really understand that didn’t equate with the church’s teaching. It was a struggle between the two feelings and was hard to deal with.
“I couldn’t tell people in the church, because I realised that the church was very anti-gay. And the words that they were using in the 1980s about gay people couldn’t be repeated. It was a very hurtful, confusing time.
“So eventually I gave way to my feelings and moved over to England where my mother had remarried. There was more freedom there than in Northern Ireland.”
Colin was working in a coffee shop in Norfolk when he began a relationship with a man. He says when that relationship broke down he took an opportunity to go to Israel as a Anglican Church of England missionary.
“Myself and my partner had been living together when I found a letter from someone else to him,” he said. “We broke up and, much like people went away to join the Foreign Legion, I went to Israel to become a missionary in Tel Aviv. I enjoyed my work there, but again I was keeping my private life private. And that could only go on for so long.
“I was there for four years before being sacked for being gay. The Church found out I was gay and told me to go home, that they didn’t want me there in Israel.
“I told them I wasn’t leaving. Instead I got a job at the five star Hilton Tel Aviv, at the King Solomon Restaurant, where I fed celebrities, the Israeli Prime Minister and British Prime Minister among others in my six-year career.”
Colin moved back to Northern Ireland and joined several Christian churches. He says, although he is still attracted to men, he decided to remain celibate for the past decade so that he could stay in his church.
“No matter how hard you try to battle the gay feelings, they don’t go away,” he says. “They are still with me today, but I lead a celibate life because I know that the Church won’t except me in their ranks if I don’t.
“I do know that I wouldn’t be accepted. I’ve already lost a job, I’ve
❝ I am terrified, but I am finally doing it... I have had to deal with gossip and I’ve lost friends over this so I know what to expect
already been asked to leave a church congregation in Donaghadee.
“I was told I was not welcome back there after it emerged that I was gay. They asked me to stand up in front of the congregation and confess, which I didn’t do. So I know the consequences of trying to lead an open life, they call it a double life.
“When I was asked to leave that congregation I felt terribly dejected. I had just had a kidney transplant and was suffering from depression as one of the side effects of the medicines I was taking.
“The rejections took me to some very dark places. I remember saying to one of the chaps who had condemned me that sometimes I feel like ending my life. He told me I was just looking for sympathy.
“I have a lot of friends who do support me. And I do have a lot of Christian friends, but it changes the equilibrium when I tell them about my feelings.
“I am with a Church of Ireland church now. On Sunday they announced that my talk was happening and asked everyone to pray for me. It was lovely to have that support, it’s not something I’m used to.”
Colin says he is “terrified” to give his testimonial, because of the vitriol he has had to face in the past.
“I am terrified to be sharing anything, but I am finally doing it. And it will be the hardest day of my life. I have waited 30 years to do something as public as this.
“I have had to deal with gossip and I’ve lost friends over this so I know what to expect. I have already had people asking me to take them off my email list. They don’t want anything more to do with me. I have had nasty letters too.”
Colin says that he would never entertain the notion of changing religions to one more welcoming to gay people, but that he is glad that “on Judgement Day it will be God judging, not human beings”.
“When I was leading an openly gay life, I had friendship and support, sadly I didn’t get that in the church,” Colin says.
“When I was sacked in Tel Aviv, I did stop going to church. But now my faith is strong. I do have to make the sacrifice to be involved with the church, and that is the paradox of the whole thing. I have been celibate for many years.
“My mum would say to me ‘Colin, you deserve love’. But I know I can’t. I do get lonely, when I’m alone at night, but I’m not leading a double life. People don’t appreciate that sacrifice, they still condemn me as soon as they hear the word gay. No matter how hard I try.
“I would never think of changing my religion to something that is more accepting of me. I do find solace in the Christian faith. Being gay is a big pull in my life, but it is not the strongest pull, spirituality is.
“I have my own strong faith and my own relationship with God. I always say that I’m glad it’s God judging on Judgement Day and not human beings, because I wouldn’t fare very well.
“I am not anti-Christian or anti-Church. I know I have struggled between the two situations. I love my church, that is why I have sacrificed my private life for it. I love God more than the church and that is what has brought me through everything.”
Colin Nevin will be giving his talk ‘The Man in White’ at the Marine Court Hotel in Bangor on Saturday at 8pm